My favorite part of going out is when I sneak out the club without saying bye to anyone to go home and sleep
Life is a cherry tomato and I’m a plastic fork.
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My dream guy is hot, funny and smart. And he’ll ask me to marry him with a green lantern ring. And he has powers. And a castle. And Yoshi.
If you have a headache, do what it says on the aspirin bottle: Take two, and KEEP AWAY FROM CHILDREN.
Reading about Selena Gomez getting a kidney from her best friend and thinking about my friend who said he didn’t like to loan out his DVDs.
I changed my name in my daughters phone to God…just texted her and said “I saw that” You should of seen her face. Priceless
I can judge the goodness of my sex life by the loudness of the terrible music the neighbors are blasting
Things I use my car for, from most to least:
1)Tweeting while parked
3)Transporting bugs that can fly but are lazy
Me: Loving this juice cleanse.
Wife: That’s sangria.
[God is taking a nap]
Prankster Angel: Um yea hi, Abraham? This is God. *trying super hard not to laugh* You need to kill your son.
Just punched myself in the face trying to swat away a mosquito. Think I’m officially done with summer. Proceed with the pumpkin spice shit.