Life is a cherry tomato and I’m a plastic fork.
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If I committed a crime I would simply not leave behind slides with my hair and clothing fibers
E.T. would be a much shorter and different movie today when Elliott tells everyone it‘s his emotional support alien and they immediately back off.
My surgeon is always late, so the anesthesiologist better not be early.
After cleaning out the pantry, I realized my kid only likes the idea of cereal.
Moose: Sorry, I need to quit this yoga class.
Yoga Instructor: NahMooseStay!
I am religious. I religiously avoid church.
me to a cat or dog: and are you the best baby? the fluffiest? are you the babiest baby of them all? do you get stopped every day and asked about how it feels to be a baby?
me to a real, human baby: good afternoon. i appreciate your small shoes.
*wakes up*
*looks at clock*7:42 am
*gets out of bed*
*remembers it’s Saturday*
*smiles*
*lies back down*Dog: “Oh good, you’re up!”
me at 7: I wanna be a marine biologist when I grow up! That or a ninja, prolly both
me at 29: I don’t know how to wash dishes without getting my shirt all wet
My baby bump popped this week, and I’m still waiting for the maternity clothes I ordered to arrive. If you see me walking around looking like Winnie the Pooh, just mind ya business.
I was dissapointed when I called a taxidermist and he pulled up in a regular car.
Tonight, people who are weaker, slower, and dumber than you will deliver bags of treats to your very doorstep. Seize this moment.
Friend: *opening his front door* Oh, it’s you. But the dinner party is tomorrow
Me: It’s ok. I’ll wait
Today is national pet day. There is no touching of people in national pet day. I know this now.
There are approximately zero ways to chase paper in the wind without looking like the village idiot
Me: I can’t believe you read horoscopes, such garbage.
Her: You’re right. When are you shaving again?
Me: Not til after the playoffs..why?
“You’d better run, egg!”
Him: What’s your sign?
Me: Dollar
I know I have a dark sense of humour sometimes, but I’m genuinely just trying to make people laugh and never really trying to be offensive
Unless, of course, you’re vegan lol
Marry someone the same size as you to avoid decades of annoyance adjusting the seats and mirrors in the car
Darth Vader: Join me on the Dark Side, Luke!
Luke: I’ll never join you!
Vader: We have flex hours and Pizza Fridays!
Luke: NOOOOOO!!!
Offend your local English teacher by calling classic novels boring.
Me: how many bears do you think we could fight as a family
Wife: none you idiot
Me: oh
*growling from closet*
Wife: WHAT HAVE YOU DONE??
Fridges are proof that it’s what’s inside that matters and not how you look like on the outside.
I only went to medical school to figure out where your arms are supposed to go when you sleep and they didn’t even teach us that… so now what
Mark Zuckerberg has the right to your firstborn male child. You agreed to this when you played FarmVille in 2009.
Don’t even wrap my subway sandwich up, I’m wearing it out of the store.
me: when… when… when!
life: *continues grating*
I got lost from my family at Target and when they finally found me my 10-year-old said, “see I told you she would be by the candles.”