@LizHackett

Life is a constant balancing act between wondering why you weren’t invited to something and wondering how to get out of it.

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@IngestMyBabies

If a cop tazed me and then yelled “Raiden Wins!”… I would instantly lose all animosity towards him.

@KateWhineHall

I just spent the day painting our fence. All I know is tomorrow I better be able to do karate.

@AristotlesNZ

Me: WHAT DO WE WANT?!
Him: “Nothing. I’m good.”
WHEN DO WE WANT IT?
“Seriously, knock it off.”
I GOT A NEW BULLHORN!
“I can see that..

@simoncholland

My wife asks me to remind her about stuff. That way if she forgets something, it’s my fault.

@McGrumpenstein

Noah, surrounded by a million pieces & trying to make sense of his IKEA Arke pictogram instructions, feels the first drop of rain.

Shit.

@Cpin42

I hate when you go to a funeral and another guy is wearing the same hot dog costume

@AndrewsNotFunny

Roses are red,
Daisies are free.

I’ll never forget you,
It burns when I pee.

@_Ms_Moneypenny_

Friend: Can I borrow a pen?
Me: Sure!
*looks in purse*
*pulls out perfume, 17 Hershey kisses, a stapler & a baby goat*
Me: Sorry, no pen. 🙁