@LizHackett

Life is a constant balancing act between wondering why you weren’t invited to something and wondering how to get out of it.

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@WilliamAder

Just unfollowed a bunch of people funnier than me. Now my tweets seem, you know, funnier. Tomorrow I unfollow all the good-looking people.

@KenJennings

Okay, vampires are invisible in mirrors, I totally get that. But, come on, their clothes?!? #science

@MariyaAlexander

[PMSing normally]
Ugh I want to die

[PMSing during a pandemic]
Ugh I want to die BUT NOT LIKE THIS

@LizHackett

Doing a low-budget but equally spiritually fulfilling version of Eat, Pray, Love entitled Gas Station, CVS, Return A Dress To Macy’s.

@WilliamRodgers

“We need something strong and durable to protect cellphones from damage”

LG: Plastic?

Samsung: Metal?

iPhone 8: What about Glass?

@ericsshadow

[wife frantically searching the house]

Have you seen the kids, I’ve looked everywhere

[me napping on couch]

OMG HOW LONG HAVE WE HAD KIDS

@SortaBad

Ah St Patrick’s Day I better eat some Irish food
*pours self bowl of Lucky Charms*

@thatUPSdude

For Halloween I put a empty bowl outside my door with a sign that says

“please take one”

That way it looks like I actually had candy once