Life is a constant balancing act between wondering why you weren’t invited to something and wondering how to get out of it.
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Thanks for the push notification, Siri – that’s exactly what I needed in that moment 🫠
A wedding is like inviting your family and friends to the dock to watch you leave England on the Titanic.
If we’re together and you lose track of me, just follow the line of croissant crumbs right on back.
And you may be thinking, “But Katie, you weren’t even eating a croissant when I lost you…”
Trust me.
I’m boycotting the Olympics because I just heard some sort of misinformation campaign claiming the last Winter Olympics held in 2018 was four years ago.
✨ check 🧵 for the bonus panels! ✨
To make space in prisons, judges are now sentencing low-risk offenders to pick up a few things at IKEA during the week before college starts
Scroll
Scroll
Scroll your phone,
gently down the screen.
Merilly
Merrily
Merrily
Merrily
MY GOD THAT’S OBSCENE!!!!!!!!!
i wish i could marry a nap
Bear attack by generation:
Boomer – kill bear level forest into a mall parking lot
Gen x – climb tree build fort
Gen y – wait for helicopter Gen. x parent to fix it
Gen z – die doing bear makeover for insta
gonna mess with my husband by texting “send nudes” when he’s in a work meeting
A super villain who foils all your plots, but your plots are just lasagnas and he makes them cook super unevenly.
MY DOG’S VET: who’s a good boy? who’s the handsomest boy? does you wanna cookie? does the handsome good boy want a cookie? does the handsomest best boy ever want a cookie?
MY DOCTOR: you look fatter and paler than I remember, sit down
Optimus Prime: *in an auto parts store* where are your dressing rooms
My toddler just tried to change the channel with a chicken finger and since I had the remote in my hand I totally let him think it worked.
I’m not saying I’m a conspiracy theorist, but I swear some of these typos have been planted.
me: I want to be inside you like one of those Russian dolls that keeps getting smaller and smaller
her: you’ve never sexted with a real person before, have you
She has a weimerhi…wimerrihym….wimmerhie…
She has a big gray dog.
That guy who just spent 2 hours washing and waxing his sportscar looks like a douche. C’mon boys, you know what to do.
– Birds, probably
The cat seems really pissed off. He must have only had 22 hours sleep.
Most accidents happen within a 2 block radius of your home. That is why I park my car 3 blocks away and walk. Can never be too safe.
he died doing what he loved: trying to find out if gang members are ticklish
GOD: Let’s give her ALL the awesome.
“But what if it’s TOO much awesome?”
GOD: Then we’ll divide it evenly between multiple personalities.
1. Ghosts are see-through
2. Windows are see-through
3. Ghosts are windows
him: it’s what’s inside that counts
me: are you going to keep going on about the abacus I swallowed?
I tend to trust people who reek of garlic.
My only local Taco Bell has closed, please respect my privacy at this difficult time
ME: The cupboard keeps opening
HANDYMAN: I see why
M: Ghosts?
H: …This screw’s loose
M: Right… But where would ghosts get a screwdriver?
What I said: GO TO BED!
What my kids heard: Start looking for a toy that was lost 5 years ago.
The easiest way to woo a girl is show up to her door with a loaf of garlic bread