Just unfollowed a bunch of people funnier than me. Now my tweets seem, you know, funnier. Tomorrow I unfollow all the good-looking people.
Life is a constant balancing act between wondering why you weren’t invited to something and wondering how to get out of it.
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Okay, vampires are invisible in mirrors, I totally get that. But, come on, their clothes?!? #science
Ugh I want to die
[PMSing during a pandemic]
Ugh I want to die BUT NOT LIKE THIS
How does Super Mario contact his dead brother?
Using a Luigi board!
Doing a low-budget but equally spiritually fulfilling version of Eat, Pray, Love entitled Gas Station, CVS, Return A Dress To Macy’s.
“We need something strong and durable to protect cellphones from damage”
iPhone 8: What about Glass?
[wife frantically searching the house]
Have you seen the kids, I’ve looked everywhere
[me napping on couch]
OMG HOW LONG HAVE WE HAD KIDS
Haters gonna hate, thermometers gonna thermom
Ah St Patrick’s Day I better eat some Irish food
*pours self bowl of Lucky Charms*
For Halloween I put a empty bowl outside my door with a sign that says
“please take one”
That way it looks like I actually had candy once