Life is a constant balancing act between wondering why you weren’t invited to something and wondering how to get out of it.
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If someone gives you sad eyes, give them sadder eyes. You must win this.
Technically, everyone owns at least one skeleton, and they all sleep with it in their bed
Me: *deals cards* okay boys what’ll it be
Quarterback: i pass
Roofer: i raise
Telemarketer: i call
Optometrist: i see
Origami Artist: i fold
The parent-teacher conference is going great. They have no idea I’m not the teacher.
STEPHEN KING WRITING ABOUT LIVING IN NEW ENGLAND: The old man who ran the town dump communed with darkness. He kept a Hand of Glory in a 1982 Boston Bruins mug. Crows and bats were his to command.
ME AFTER MOVING TO NEW ENGLAND: Jesus, I used to think Stephen King made shit up.
My relationship advice?
Play Chess instead.
It’s less complicated.
Just found out that the old guy at the gym who laughs at all my jokes doesn’t actually speak English.
Woke last night to the sound of thunder, that last bean burrito was a blunder 🎶
Me: I’ve lost the dictionary
Her: Can you look upstairs?
Me: I can’t look up anything
*gets in the bus*
*Brings out earphones*
*untangles*
*arrives*
PATIENT: i just feel like something is missing from my life
THERAPIST: [is a cat] have you tried biting plastic
What do we want?
An end to auto-correct errors!
When do we want it?
Cow!
Sow!
Bow!
Tow!
Duck this!
Most people’s biggest concern while drunk is drunk texting. My son drunk replied an email and ran for office for his graduate program…and won. Congratulations to the new Director of Finance. I can’t make this shit up.
Imagine having a party on purpose.
School is much tougher for kids these days. Now when they don’t get their homework done they have to come up with an excuse like, “The dog ate my laptop”.
I was at the shops & the woman in front of me was asking where the cucumbers were
The assistant came back with a small cucumber & she said “yes I saw that but I want a big one” & I actually said out loud “that’s what she said” & yes I think I spend too much time on the Twitter
OUCH I HAVE A FOOT CRAMP
You’re dehydrated
[Walks on toes]
Drink some water
[Crawls on knees]
Drink water
[Lays on floor]
Water-
[Dies]
*people on Wheel of Fortune
“I enjoy skiing & doing crosswords”It’s never
“I like hamburgers & threesomes”
A fortnight is equal to 14 nights. Unless you live in a fort; it is equal to one night. Fort math is only complicated to non-fort dwellers.
I don’t use chocolate chip cookies to solve my problems, only treat the symptoms.
While presenting on a work conference call I imagine everyone nude so I don’t feel like the only one.
Me: eats spicy Szechuan for lunch
My guts the next day: look, we’ve had this discussion before
“Uh, Mom?” said my 6 year old. “Look at your child.”
So I looked, and there, sitting cross-legged in a miniature lawn chair, was my 2 year old drinking A1 sauce straight out of the bottle.
you could tell me any fact about how dangerous animals are in australia and I’d believe you. they got vampire bees? of course they do. dogs don’t need a permit to carry a gun? I won’t even google it.
Me: “I love you.”
4: “Thanks. I love Batman.”
SCHRÖDINGER: *Kneels down* Hey buddy, so… I have some news about your cat.
SON: Is it good news or bad news?
SCHRÖDINGER: Yes.
Them: You’ll sleep when you’re dead.
Me: I’ll go ahead and take an advance, if it’s all the same.
Me: I’m really worried about becoming a first time dad, I’m just so forgetful.
10yo daughter: You don’t need to tell me.
Me: You look amazing with glasses.
Her: OMG thanks
Me: *removes my glasses* But not so much without.
Asked my 6-year-old what she wants for Christmas and she said “a toy chicken that’s taller than Anthony” so now I can’t even finish my shopping until I track down this Anthony and find out how tall he is. Why can’t she just want a bike?