life is a continuous learning experience, so i can spend all my time not paying attention and drawing cartoons on notepaper just like school
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DOG: Then he said “Who’s a good boy?”
DOG THERAPIST: *nodding* You are of course
DOG: *wagging tail* I KNOW BUT WHY DOES HE KEEP ASKING?
Guinea pigs aren’t real pets. You buy them when your kids are begging for a dog, but you want to make them sad instead.
me: “it hurts when i pee”
doctor: “quit peeing on my desk and ill stop hitting you!”
BARTENDER: what can i get you
MOTH: gimme a bug light
Old people may not know how to use a cell phone, but they sure can drive like they’re on one.
I have keys on my keychain from the houses I used to live in just in case I’m hungry and in the area.
Embarrassed that our 8 year old walked into the bedroom at 2am and saw us pulling the blanket to hide our phones and cheese sticks.
Drug dealers are always late. If your drug dealer is on time, it’s the police.
I hope in my next life I come back as a dog so my pills will be wrapped in cheese
it amazes me that people still say they want a “fairy-tale marriage” when most fairy-tale marriages end with the lady getting angry and returning to the sea from whence she came.
rich people are like we have to disguise the refrigerator
My kids are arguing over who gets to bring the garbage cans in, proving, once again, that kids will fight about anything.
Before Twitter I had to disappoint people in person.
[JOB INTERVIEW]
{Don’t let them know you’re a tectonic plate}
“What would you say is your biggest fault?”
San Andreas?
What do you mean I didn’t bring anything into this relationship? The washer and dryer were mine
Your honor let the records indicate my client was upsexy
Judge: what’s upsexy?
[lawyer whispers to defendant] quick, this is your chance
Not right now, protecting the 50 lb pit bull from the scary washing machine.
[taking my final breaths after a freak accident]
Tell my family I totes love them
*gasping for air*
but like, roll your eyes real hard
“At your cervix, m’lady”
– me as an OBGYN and also just me
I hate birds as much as the next guy, but not enough to hold one prisoner in a cage at my home
The only time I complain about my husband being on his phone is when I’m not on mine.
#Caturday
Thick as shit.
Getting a text message from your ex is like getting a message from Satan on an Ouija board.
Me: I lost my virginity to Barry White.
Her: Really? What song?
Me: Song?
Bomb Squad: it’s going to explode if anyone makes any sudden movements
Officer: oh no
Hostage: oh no
Kool Aid Man: OH Y
I had to have a conversation with 4 about how not every older lady is his grandmother and he should stop yelling ITS GRANDMA at every old lady we see
My birthday is 9 months after the release of the movie Grease. So now I have to live with the truth that I was conceived while John Travolta was singing.
Sometimes as a woman all i want is for a man to grab me, throw me into bed and then clean my house while i sleep
This toddler in line behind me at Target is a fantastic dancer and it’s really starting to piss me off.