life is a continuous learning experience, so i can spend all my time not paying attention and drawing cartoons on notepaper just like school
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Signed up to be a diplomat. Won’t need a vaccine cause I’ll have that sweet, sweet immunity
How many rum & cokes are too many after a couple Vicodin?
Asking for this EMT. He seems pretty interested.
[Mon]
Boss: Let’s talk about your clothes
Adam: But it’s my best leaf
B: You need officewear
A: Understood[Tues]
B: Is that a sticky note?
Could be worse. Someone could be trying to tell you that everything happens for a reason.
I’ve consumed so much raw cookie dough the Pillsbury Doughboy made a pass at me.
im more than just a birth year and a death year so my tombstone will instead be engraved with a handful of random years i remember enjoying
I always keep my eyes closed if I get up in the night to use the bathroom because how else am I meant to stop the sleepiness from escaping?
Let’s send Sarah out into a swamp in a dress.
– news stations
This is the way the world ends.
Not with a bang but with a Zoom meeting that never ends due to technical issues.
I’m at my most fake news when I tell my husband how much money I spent shopping.
Apparently coming to the Easter egg hunt dressed like the playboy bunny was not appropriate.
Barista: How do you take your coffee?
Me: Seriously. Very seriously.
*sales call
Sales Rep: Trust me sir, I’m giving you the best deal..
Me: Ofcourse I trust you, we’ve been talking since 2 minutes, feels like forever
If we make guns illegal, then nobody will get shot anymore. That’s how we stopped everybody from doing drugs
I put my shoes on like everyone else. I beckon for my footman, Chauncey, and he does it straightaway. Your guy probably has a different name
My husband and I make a good team. I’m about to start cooking Thanksgiving dinner, and he’s taking the batteries out of the smoke detectors.
I brushed my teeth without watching in the mirror and now my eyebrows are clean.
Therapist: let’s work on some realistic expectations
Me: *still straining to lift a tissue box using the Force*
[on date]
ME: I like my women like I like my wine
WAITER: [arrives] Anything to drink?
ME: [clears throat] One glass of very hot wine please
“Ah yes, well, the laws of quantum mechanics” is what I’m going to start saying, very pretentiously, when someone says something I don’t understand.
My milk snake scares all the boys from the yard
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
Make his ears more lethargic. That’s better, now flare his nostrils like he’s excited about a sale.
Parenthood is basically just pretending to be angry when you aren’t and pretending not to be angry when you are.
You pulled out in front of me.
Now you’re going slow.
I don’t like my car.
I will win this one.
COP: Your home was robbed
ME: Dang I had a self-designed alarm system
C: Didn’t work
M: Back to the drawing board
C: They stole that
M: Dang
assessor: sexual orientation?
me: as in if i were to have sex which way would i be facing?
A missing 3YO was found inside a bowling alley claw game. After many failed attempts to get him out, police just settled on the turtle doll.
I asked my kid if his room was clean and that little shit cackled and asked Alexa if it was “Stupid Question Day”
It’s not a War on Christmas til the first 12 foot skeleton is spotted choking out an inflatable Santa, you weirdos
Ouija boards are officially obsolete, now that the dead can read messages addressed to them on Facebook.