“Life Is a Highway” has gotta be my favorite song about having sex with a road
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My unsolicited parenting advice? Clip your kids toe nails with your mouth closed. You’re welcome.
A million dollars to the person who invents a GPS that says “turn right at the Taco Bell” because what tf is 400ft?
when it’s summer but your favorite holiday is halloween
My save for later cart on Amazon is up to about $1.3 million dollars.
Twitter updated their Terms of Service. Now it just says “Abandon Hope All Ye Who Enter Here.”
Cupcakes are amazing, because holding a full size cake up to your face isn’t socially acceptable for some reason.
me: *holding my black eye* honey I’m home
wife: what happened to you?
me: I met a celebrity this morning
wife: and….
[earlier at the car wash]
optimus prime: are you watching me shower!?
HER: Boxers or briefs?
ME: Depends
HER: Really? But you look so young.
Eye of the tiger. Nose of the lion. Mouth of the lynx. Ear of the bobcat. Throat of the cougar. Forehead of the ocelot.
“There’s no eye in Teams” I exclaim turning off my laptop camera
GOD: I’ve created donuts
ANGEL: ooh they’re yummy but why the hole?
GOD:
ANGEL:
GOD:
ANGEL: because they are holy
GOD: because they are holy
You always hear about cops planting evidence.
Never about the cops who nurture and water it every day so it will grow into an evidence tree.
I’m 53 years old unless I’m driving at night in the rain. Then I’m 107.
none of you hit me with your car this morning and now i have to go to work. thanks
Pillow fights didn’t last as long in the Stone Age.
[opening day at fast food place]
manager: all the orders in?
employee: yes.
manager: the electrical all set?
employee: yes.
manager: and the chairs. do they grate loudly against the floors?
employee: yes.
manager: perfect. we’re ready.
boss: *walks up to find me staring at my computer, typing away*, I see you’re thinking hard about the new budget problem
me: *googling who would win in a fight between a pizza and a cheeseburger*, oh yeah, totally
Dentists be like, we have the worst possible time available for you. How about that?
Marie Kondo: Does this item spark joy?
Daughter: YES!
Marie Kondo: Oookay… um, this paper cup from 3 weeks ago?
Daughter: Yes! It’s my favorite!
Marie Kondo: *holding up a broken crayon* Does this item spark joy?
Daughter: Yes!
Marie Kondo: *in tears* This popped balloon?
As the horse fell to the barn floor,
he quickly pressed his Life Alert …“Help…I’ve fallen and I can’t giddyup !”
I enjoy how fitbit tracks the calories I burn just by being alive. I like getting credit for that.
There’s a tree outside my window that sounds like a ventriloquist doll scraping it’s tiny fingers across the wall when it’s windy at night. Yeah, it’s definitely the tree. Definitely the tree
I wonder if Sallys parents were like “Yeah great idea Sally. Sell seashells. On the seashore. Where there are tons of free shells. Idiot.”
Dietician: You are allowed one deviation per week, see you next week
Next week, me, *deviates from the route to the dietician’s office*
one thing you forget about star wars is how much of the original trilogy is just darth vader flying in some place to chew some guy out about construction delays
The government was gonna impose martial law but a typo turned it into marital law, so now everyone is just passive aggressively coughing into one another’s soup while they watch 24-hour news channels in complete silence
The bartender said I could have a free drink if I stopped saying “that’s what she said” so I said “challenge accepted” and she replied “let’s see how long you keep this up”…and then I paid for my next drink
girl at the bar: You’re funny
me *brings her over to meet my wife* Tell her what you said
I just came across my wife’s Tinder profile and I’m so angry about her lies.
She is not “fun to be around”.
I will not rest until I’ve finished this nap!