“Life Is a Highway” has gotta be my favorite song about having sex with a road

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Nothing makes you feel more like a genius than answering incorrectly to your kid’s interactive tv show…



Her: I picked up buffalo wings.

Me: * moves furniture around
* rolls out plastic sheeting


Man who looks forward to spending his entire life with Kim Kardashian disagrees with Grammy decision.


[writing in my journal about the girl I like]
Her hair was soft like really soft hair, her lips surrounded her mouth all the time.


Honey, were out of snake food.
“What? For what snake?”
Honey, I bought a snake


therapist: now, once again, stress balls are for …….

me: (sighs heavily)
stress balls are for squeezing, not throwing at people when I’m stressed


I literally got fired from a job for not knowing what to do with my hands when I talk. I guess sign language interpreting just wasn’t for me


A candle with no wick, is just wax, but a wick with no wax, is just string.

What else… ummm… no, I guess that concludes my TED Talk.


HAHA! Answer your phone silly. I called you like 18 times.

-I say as I climb through your window


*pterodactyl wakes his wife up pissing at 3am*
WIFE: I thought your pee was supposed to be silent!!!