*opens facebook messenger*
*sips mtn dew twice*
Sorry abt ur mom dying
Tis a shame
Btw ur attractive
“Life Is a Highway” has gotta be my favorite song about having sex with a road
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PATIENT: Doc, I haven’t been able to bone my wife lately and I really think-
DR DOG: Wait. Tell me more about the bone part
I just hid a big bag of Easter peanut butter cups in the back of the freezer. In July I’ll find them and be very pleased then convinced I have dementia.
“I love ribs! What are ribs, anyway? Are they like cow, or like people…or?”
-my 6yo daughter, that’s apparently not disturbed by cannibalism
Personal question. #JustSaying
Doctor: Is there a chance you might be pregnant?
Me: If I am, I’ll be giving birth to some batteries.
VILLAGERS: Stop crying wolf, you stupid idiot!
WOLF: What’s up?
BOY: I need you to kill the villagers
Me: Craig is missing? Oh…no
Cop: We found a diffuser on his desk with chloroform in it.
Me: He was stressed
Cop: There was a bottle of it in your desk
Me: I was stressed
Cop: What about the list titled “steps to get Craig in my basement”
Me: Could be anyone…
Her: let’s role play
Me: ok I’ll pretend I’m a firefighter
Me: *narrows eyes*
Boy, are you a yellow sports car because I am embarrassed to be seen with you but I am very pleased with your performance.