“Life Is a Highway” has gotta be my favorite song about having sex with a road

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*opens facebook messenger*
*sips mtn dew twice*
*strokes neckbeard*
*begins typing*
Sorry abt ur mom dying
Tis a shame
Btw ur attractive


PATIENT: Doc, I haven’t been able to bone my wife lately and I really think-
DR DOG: Wait. Tell me more about the bone part


I just hid a big bag of Easter peanut butter cups in the back of the freezer. In July I’ll find them and be very pleased then convinced I have dementia.


“I love ribs! What are ribs, anyway? Are they like cow, or like people…or?”

-my 6yo daughter, that’s apparently not disturbed by cannibalism


Doctor: Is there a chance you might be pregnant?

Me: If I am, I’ll be giving birth to some batteries.


VILLAGERS: Stop crying wolf, you stupid idiot!

BOY: Fine


BOY: Help…Wolf!

WOLF: What’s up?

BOY: I need you to kill the villagers


Me: Craig is missing? Oh…no

Cop: We found a diffuser on his desk with chloroform in it.

Me: He was stressed

Cop: There was a bottle of it in your desk

Me: I was stressed

Cop: What about the list titled “steps to get Craig in my basement”

Me: Could be anyone…


Her: let’s role play

Me: ok I’ll pretend I’m a firefighter

Her: hot

Me: *narrows eyes*


Boy, are you a yellow sports car because I am embarrassed to be seen with you but I am very pleased with your performance.