Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’ve been taking anti-performance enhancing drugs and according to my life they’re working really well.

Want to get really stoned? Commit adultery in Iran.

I hate when millennials make up new words and demand that we all use them. people should only communicate like they did before we started making up all these words: using short grunts & hitting each other over the head with large knobbly clubs

HUMAN BEING: You won’t touch the salad I made, but you just ate 2 stray cats and a whole koi pond! I thought you said you were vegan!

ALIEN, from planet Vega 3: Yes, that’s right.

You guys realize St. Valentine was beheaded, right?

screaming until I turn this migraine into an us-graine 😉

My kids tell me I drink too much.

It’s funny they don’t make the connection.

I dunno who decided on the spelling of bologna, but it’s obvious he had no idea how letters work.

Just did a 30 minute mile on the treadmill. I see a white light. Nana?!

Why’s it called landing a husband? Are single men floating just above me like airplanes, and does getting engaged require an air traffic control certification

I have two boyfriends!

Well, I’m dating two men

Okay. Ben and I are just friends

Same with Jerry

Fine. I have ice cream.

But it’s love.

who called them poets and not rhyme machines?

Dads will insist the Masters is exciting while also napping through it.

They are adding commercials to Netflix so GenZ will finally understand and appreciate our struggle

I never understood how a mother could lift a car with a child trapped under,
until my phone got stuck under my bed.

Parenthood has made me so tired that even in my sex dreams, I’m asleep.

5 has poison ivy on his entire body so if you wondered what would make a 5 yo more annoying it’s having poison ivy on his entire body.

walmart: why do u want to work here?

me: it’s easier to steal if the employees trust me

walmart: why would u tell us that

me: *slowly taking their pen* to build trust

Me: Did we get a bunch of new cups?

Wife: No. Our daughter brought them all down from her room.

Yelling “you’re not my real ladder!” at your step ladder.

I carry a stone around to throw at anyone I hear singing Christmas songs before Thanksgiving.

I call it my Jingle Bell Rock.

Two submissives sitting in a tree.
N O T H I N G

me when somebody idk start touching me

“This race is over,” said Donald Trump, referring to the entire human race if he is elected president.

Shrek is a nye movie because the years start coming and they simply do not stop coming

Either you’re giving me butterflies or that chicken was bad

Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Cuz saying ‘pulled me under’ sounds weird??

Tried to feed the baby some vegetable puree so tasted it to show her it’s good…and immediately ordered a pizza for us both

My kid has the wildest imagination, there isn’t even a wait when she’s playing doctor

I rolled up my yoga mat absolutely perfectly and if you think I’ll mess that up by working out, then you’re out of your mind.