Life is a highway: Too many cars, not enough bathrooms
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If my metabolism and serotonin were employees they would have been so fired by now
1970s: “Hey baby”
1990s: “Hey babe”
2014: “Hey bae”
2020: “Hey b”
2030: “All hail our glorious squirrel overlords”
Sorry, package of toilet paper. I’m only making one trip from the car with these grocery bags, so you’re sleeping in the car tonight.
Me: *goes for midnight jog*
My boss: *pops out of trash can* RUNNING LATE AGAIN I SEE
Oh wow. It’s so big. Size really does matter. I love it so much.
~my new handbag
If you ask a haunted doll if they’re possessed they have to tell you.
[space mission studying behaviour of snakes on the moon]
astronaut: “we should’ve taken our own”
astronaut holding net: “just keep looking”
You can wonder about other people’s motivations or you can hit yourself in the head with a hammer, and the end result is roughly the same.
I wouldn’t complain if I died, mostly because I’d be dead.
Just saw a bundt so big and beautiful I changed my sexual orientation to cake.
[movie theater concessions]
Me: ok kiddos we can get popcorn or we can pay for your college.
Kids: POPCORN!
Wife: seriously!?!
Me: [shakes head sadly] they’ve made their choice.
[Wrench factory]
BOSS: I’m proud to say it’s been 250 days without an injury!
WORKERS: *celebrate by tossing all the wrenches into the air *
Sometimes I run across a room really fast so a spider sees me out of the corner of its eye and spends the evening worrying where I’ve gone.
VAMPIRE: ur making this weird
ME: my neck is ticklish!
HER: I’ve missed you so badly.
ME: *pulls hatchet from wall* thank god!
WIFE: Please take the trash out
ME: Ok
*later that night*
ME: I’m having a nice time
TRASH: Wow, the food here is spicy AF
People at HIIT class who warm up before the trainer starts the warm up how warm do you really need to be?
At some point you realize that world peace and inner peace are too much to wish for and ask for an extra piece of pizza instead
Jury duty
[Burps] Wow, excuse me.
Judge: You’re excu-STOP THAT!
I decided to change things up for my neighbors. Instead of seeing me topless, they caught me bottomless.
my 5 year-old son just threw his Peppa pig doll down a flight of stairs. While staring over her mangled body, he said “Awww..Peppa we have to be careful next time” and I think I am raising Kathy Bates from Misery
Yes ma’am, I understand you’re taking “pitchures” so I’m sorry for accidentally walking in front of you in this very public place.
Call me crazy but “dropping the ball” does not sound like a good way to start off a new year.
Kay’s emergency department tape rule:
If a farmer shows up with electrical tape on something, it absolutely needs sutures.
If it’s duct tape, it needs surgery.
my bf is sick and i offered him a cup of throat coat tea and he (extremely blearily) went “throat goat???”
Welcome to Insomnia Club. God dammit Bob. BOB. Steve wake Bob up. Steve?
church choir: faatherr, sonn, aand hoolyy g-
[the ghostbusters barge in]
church choir, nervously: -oooats
[ghostbusters slowly back out]
Gandalf: shadowfax, show us the meaning of haste!
Frodo: sweet he’s gonna do that the whole way right?
Gandalf:
Frodo: Gandalf tell me we’re riding this horse the whole way
Gandalf: on an unrelated note how many shoes did you pack?
*National Spelling Bee Final
– Spell cyclops.
– Use in a sentence.
– Cyclops have one eye.
*winks at audience
– C-E-Y-E-C-L-O-P-S.
when someone rings the doorbell
