Life is a letter soup that has too many consonants and not enough vowels and all you can spell is borscht
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It’s funny how your tweets are funnier now that I know you’re hot.
-everyone on Twitter
Me: *driving* Look, kids, it’s Godzilla.
Kids: Where?
Me: *pointing* There! The big giant lizard. You can’t miss him.
Kids: WHERE!
Me: He’s picking up our car.
Kids: WHERE?!?
Me: He’s hurling us through the air.
Kids: *crying* I DIDN’T SEE HIM!!
I’ve got bad news. I went out to your apiary and someone had stolen all your apes. There were a lot of bees hanging around. You might see if they know who did it.
Establish dominance by dying while you have out of town guests.
garlic bread in the oven for 20 minutes:
still needs to bake11 seconds later:
it’s garlic dust now.
sperm bank employee: is he [ear to the wall] is he listening to the full house theme song
*Infrastructure naming conference *
Crab : Let’s name it it the sidewalk
Other animals :Why should we do that we literally walk straight?
Crab:
Other animals :
Crab:
Other animals:
Crab :
Other animals :Okay we get it
Do you know what I’ve learned after 59 years of living on this planet?
Your culinary experience improves once you realize your smoke alarm isn’t a cooking timer.
It’s always funny when the flight attendant says “we know you have a choice of airlines” as if free will exists.
Doctor: A healthy serving of red meat is the size of a deck of cards.
Me: So… no more than 52 slices of roast beef?
Dr: I hate this job.
It’s Facebook’s 10th birthday today. Let’s all click “Maybe” on the event invite and then not show up.
Friends don’t take videos of friends playing drunk Twister in positions that only gynecologists should ever see.
*at skatepark with my 7yr old nephew*
Random Mom: Cute kid!
Me: Oh thank u so much
Random Mom: Who’s the dad?
Me: My brother
Random Mom: *weird look**hours later*
Me: oh SHIT
Even getting salmonella from cookie dough would not convince me that you can get salmonella from cookie dough
*buys condoms* So I just eat these and it traps the baby?
Boeing apologizes for miscalculating how many of you they could kill cutting corners before everyone got all mad
I always have a suicide note in my shower so that i wont look stupid if i ever slip and crack my head
My body is a temple, please leave pizza and tacos at the altar.
[spelling bee]
Judge: Your word is McConaughey
McConaughey.
M-C-C-O-N-A-U-G-H-E-Y, McConaughey.
Did I get it?Judge: We have no idea
Why do we never see “Side effects may include spontaneous happiness, explosive giggling, uncontrollable hugging, and diarrhea”?
“If you gaze long into a bisque, the bisque also gazes into you.” – Philosophical soup kitchen chef
I cannot escape the 45 year old man who spends millions to look 43. I don’t want to see him anymore but he is everywhere. Oh no the doorbell, it’s him he’s here
I get there is a rental crisis and all but…nope.
I befriended a ghost who keeps wheezing all the time.
I named him Gasper.
My wife is such a bad cook,if we leave dental floss in the kitchen the roaches hang themselves.
Me: Your conspiracy theory is stupid.
Me anytime something weird happens in my house: It was a ghost. It’s the only logical explanation.
I always get self conscious buying toilet paper like some high schooler is gonna take a picture of me and post it online with the caption “lmao this dude poops”
do you think the guy who designed hand grenades really hated pineapples, or really loved them?
Breakfast for Stoners:
You call it armed robbery, I call it people giving me gifts to celebrate my new gun!