Life is about experiences. First kisses. Books that change you. Self-medication. Dogs telling you to set things on fire.

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Telling another person you’re superior to them while you’re both on twitter is like a meth addict telling a heroin addict they should get off drugs.


……bless you
……bless you
……bless you


Her: I think my IUD came loose and is floating around in there

Me: C’mere, I drop my guitar pick in the sound hole all the time, no problem


A) Gov. George Wallace
B) The Offspring
C) My mom teaching me to do laundry
D) All of the above


My wife is a psycho, this tweet isn’t a joke its a cry for help.


For every hour that passes without payment, I will teach another hostage “Wonderwall” on acoustic guitar and release him back to you


I ended it after I checked his browser history and found hundreds of video game walk-throughs. Once a cheater, always a cheater.


*sees my husband cry as he holds our newborn son for the 1st time*
wtf did that baby just say to you?


GUY ON TV: I’m going to show you how to make something today

ME [fingers crossed] please be a friend