Life is about experiences. First kisses. Books that change you. Self-medication. Dogs telling you to set things on fire.
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People need to stop with the crime, some of us don’t want to do jury duty because you can’t act right.
Them: Can you describe yourself in five words?
Me: Stay at home couch accessory.
[flies trespassing in my house] release the frogs.
Leaving hotel: please if possible try not to trash the room like a 70s rock band. But no worries if you do
Leaving airbnb: polish all the floors, bake a cake, and wash the towels/ fold them into cranes.
[first date]
Date: tell me something you’re were really good at as a kid.
Me: spelling bee.
Date: oh nice! do you still got it?
Me: b-e-e.
So apparently a neighborhood watch is not watching bad stuff happen to your neighbor’s home & then taking a nap
My 3yo told me he was going to clean up the mess by punching it and I was like, “Dude, I’ve tried and it doesn’t work.”
My father one time told me to go apologize to the neighbor for being mouthy so I went and told her my father says he’s sorry.
first dinner with other vaccinated friends and a man spent the whole time arguing with me about cryptocurrency. release the rest of the bats
When my date called himself the boogie man I was afraid we’d spent hours in a noisy club. Imagine my relief when we spent hours just randomly grabbing uncovered ankles from underneath beds.
Rose petals are expensive.
Just throw Doritos all over the bed.
wait.
My neighbor asked how I keep my grass looking so good
I told him to have a seat, it’s kind of a lawn story
If you watch Beauty & the Beast backwards a grown man devolves into a monster then into a petulant little boy. It’s basically Twitter.
Remember folks, the more you decorate for the holidays, the more flammable your house & property. Happy Holidays!!
Yes officer, the person who robbed me was a woman 25-30, at least 5’9, a brunette and definitely single. Can you arrange a line up please
If you’re ever bored in a taxi I recommend mouthing, “Help Me” to strangers and watching their facial expressions
Snow is magical. It turns 6 parking spaces into 4.75 parking spaces.
“What if your breakfast could occasionally spit acid in your eye?”
-Inventor of grapefruit
One thing I have noticed about getting older is having to stop for a short nap halfway through scrolling down to my year of birth when completing online forms.
Remember, YOUR God is real. All those other Gods are ridiculous, made-up nonsense. But not yours. Your God is real. Whichever one that is.
You undercook one turkey, and suddenly Thanksgiving can’t be at your house anymore.
-me giving holiday hosting advice
Forgot the word tree so I just said bush on a stick
Can I still watch 300 if I haven’t seen the first 299
My mom’s 60-something friend was set up with a 67-year-old guy who is “not looking for anything serious” in case you think that ever ends
My boss called in sick of me
Ladies, if he:
– is hairy
– has trouble communicating
– is 1′ 4″
– wears a deerstalker hat
– solves mysteriesHe’s not your man. He’s Detective Pikachu.
My favorite female superhero
I’m just not cool enough for a scooter, I moped.
Farm to table seasonal menus are hilarious. In August there are 17 fresh vegetable dishes described in flowing prose capped with perfectly framed Walt Whitman quotes and in January there are two sides that come down to “Jason’s sister-in-law found a bag of potatoes in the garage”