Life is always one step forward, two steps back…Then slide to the left…Slide to the right. CRISS CROSS!!!
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A gentle reminder that all your panic buying will be going out of date soon. Enjoy your 36 egg omelette, you fat wankers.
16- *bragging about his mustache*
12- Mom’s mustache is way better than yours
Me-
Maybe Gotye was an actual goat that sold it’s soul for the chance to be a human with a hit song and now he is back to just being a goat
Him: Yah, I like my meat rare
Me: Rare? Like, unicorn you mean?
Him: ……
Me: Our mom’s are friends, you have to finish the date
Me *dying* no, no, no, I can’t join the afterlife with these on
[Later]
Wife: What the hell is that noise?
Son: I think that ghost is wearing flip flops
I socially identify as the guy who tried to jump off of the sinking Titanic but ending up hitting a massive propeller on the way down.
FUN FACT:
Bears hibernate in the winter just to get away from Christmas music…
What I go to Aldi to buy: Bread and milk.
What I actually buy in Aldi:
If you have more than one louse you have lice, just like if you have more than one mouse you have mice… So if you have more than one spouse I guess you’ve got spice.
Please enjoy this video of a baby eating queso for the first time
In Hell, you cannot peel off the colors on a Rubik’s Cube to solve it
“Failure is how you grow.”
– my bathroom scale, picking the wrong motivational quote
When I die, I’m donating my body to the theater department. The science department has enough bodies. I want to be a theater prop.
Boy becomes Jedi, gets married, turns evil, has twins, becomes Darth Vader, complicated crap, ewoks. Boom, STAR WARS. You’re welcome, girls.
“I don’t watch tv” ok but then what do you do with it
*Backstreet Boys voice*
Am I acceptable?
What did this chicken ever do to them?? 😂😂😂
I tried a vegan recipe book last night. It was much tastier than any of the recipes in it.
“Shh…it took an hour, but I think he’s finally asleep.”
*fireworks go off outside*
*opens window*
I WILL KILL YOU AND EVERYONE YOU LOVE
My therapy group is a joke. The doctor is supposed to match you with people you have something in common with but everyone here is nuts.
I run my house like a well oiled machine; specifically a runaway train
A wise man once said… absolutely nothing.
He let her vent and then they had sex afterward.
“i don’t think people should get murdered” have you considered people are the number one cause of murder in the world? so you support murderers???
Tell me twitter, just how the f am I similar to a Buick dealership?
A girl at the gym waved at me so I waved back. as it turned out she wasn’t waving at me
so now I’m gonna incorporate the hand wave into my exercising routine until she leaves
Me: Whatcha doin’?
5: Whatcha doin’?
Me: Are you copying me?
5: Are you copying me?
Me: I’m adopted
5: I’m adop- WHAT?
I can point out chicks who say “vokka” and “liberry” instead of “vodka” and “library” based on the use of emoticons in their screen name.
[Star Trek: The Next Generation)
Picard: Why are they firing at us?
Troi [an empath]: I sense hostility.
I won’t ever use botox. I want everyone to know when I’m scowling at them. My general disdain is much more powerful than my vanity.
Just got kicked off a corn forum for saying you can eat the cob. I’ll just sign up with a different name. They can’t silence the truth.