@boburnham

Life is always one step forward, two steps back…Then slide to the left…Slide to the right. CRISS CROSS!!!

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@LizHackett

Either Mercury is in retrograde or I made a series of poor choices that have since born fruit, but who can argue with the planets?

@Lakeoconeebldr

This 5 year old is taking a call from his secret agent on a calculator and now I hate my phone.

@lovexios

I hate when people text ‘call me’. I’m going to start calling people, say ‘text me’ and then hang up.

@Fickle_Filly

Unless you’re a female bat and you gave birth hanging upside down, I’m not interested in hearing about how your baby was born.

@Arroia

Body language tells us a lot about people. For example, my neighbor really doesn’t like to be held underwater for more than 2 minutes.

@ElgatoEsmio

“Babe I’m ready for bed”

“Why so early its the weekend?”

[background]
“Next up Channel 6 News reveals Ashley Madison’s local business men”

@somecleverthing

I just had the thought “pfft. Your father can’t die before you are born,” and I believed it for a full minute. Because I’m smert.

@RickAaron

“What if your breakfast could occasionally spit acid in your eye?”
-Inventor of grapefruit