“Ah yes, well, the laws of quantum mechanics” is what I’m going to start saying, very pretentiously, when someone says something I don’t understand.
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People with house arrest ankle bracelets get so touchy when you compare them to a dog’s invisible fence.
We’re only a few years away from being arrested for crimes we haven’t yet committed based solely on an analysis of our Google search history.
Or at least I am.
I don’t want your pity sandwiches. I mean I’m still gonna eat them and enjoy them. But I don’t want them.
I could look like Margot Robbie if I was younger, taller, and had a whole different face.
I went to a club called Innuendos last night. I’m banned but managed to slip in the back doors.
When can I start eating bats again.
Make sure to tell remind your boss that you need to leave work tomorrow a few hours early, so that everyone will think that you have Valentine’s plans.
ME AT 19: I’m gonna travel to so many countries!
ME AT 29: I’m gonna try a new craft beer!
ME AT 39: I’m gonna try a different cat litter
7yo: Daddy, I love you too!
Me: Aw, I love you too!
7yo: No, I said “I love YouTube”
How excited are you, on a scale from 1 to white woman who just found out that this dinner party has sangria?
me doing my best
[flirting between USA and Canada]
Canadian: you’re my favourite.
American: no u.
#HighSchoolTaughtMe how to solve any math word problem
pharaoh: make my tomb a giant triangle
architect: ah yes, the triangle shape is strong and sturdy & the sides will be sloped so you can symbolically climb into the afterlife
pharaoh: [thinking about using it as a giant slide] yes
this morning i found a spider trapped in its own web and i was like, dude, same
Don’t give up on your dreams, if cauliflower can be pizza and zucchini can be noodles then you too can be anything you want
If my TV’s so smart then why doesn’t it slap me when I turn on the news?
I sold the armchair I had in my room and now I have nowhere to put my clean laundry and stare at it for 8 days??
Literally any podcast host asking their guest a question
me: [having a normal conversation but also wondering if bees consider us thieves or business associates]
VIDEO: Multiple raccoons take over the library at Arkansas State »
Just found out my parents have had a life insurance policy on me since I was 6mo old with them as the beneficiaries. I’m 44 now. I see they’re playing the long game…
shakespeare: murder most foul…
goose: what the duck did you just say?!
Before I got a phone I used to just stare at my right hand all day
Me: come here often?
Her: THIS IS MY BEDROOM IM CALLING THE COPS
Do lady dolphins ever get tattoos of 19-yr-old community college students?
Me: “ahhh there’s the money shot”
Sniper: would you get your chin off my shoulder?
My grandparents worked hard to make sure their kids had everything and I’m working hard and not having kids to make sure I keep everything.
Bisexuals are lucky. To the rest of us, life is a restaurant where you’re allergic to half the items on the menu.
her: i’m going to a concert
me: to see who
her: Bad English
me: sorry, to see whom