All the women moaning about finding a husband obviously never had one.
Life is basically avoiding people who have seen you naked while trying to find new people to see you naked.
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What happens when you retweet a compliment about how humble you are?
I really would love to see two mimes arguing
(Don’t let her know you can’t read)
Yes I’ll have this
*points to menu*
-So you want the gratuity of 15% added to parties of 8 or more?
[first day as a ninja]
me: *sneaking in*
him: I’ve been expecting you
him: dude, I heard the tic tacs rattling in your purse from a mile away is this your first day
my phone: here’s a
n o t i f i c a t i o n
me: not now my little radiation rectangle, not now
Had a lizard walk up in front of me and start doing little push-ups
Like he’s trying to shame for not working out right now
I wish I was from Finland so when people asked if I was Finnish I could say “no, in fact, I’m just getting started”
Kids: you burned the popcorn
Me: you gave me stretch marks
Being a mom is easy
*sees couple holding hands*
*violently breaks them apart*
“Go. You’re free now.”