@jillyhendrix

Life is basically avoiding people who have seen you naked while trying to find new people to see you naked.

You Might Also Like

@hidingfromme

All the women moaning about finding a husband obviously never had one.

@alispagnola

What happens when you retweet a compliment about how humble you are?

@Brampersandon_

(Don’t let her know you can’t read)
Yes I’ll have this
*points to menu*
-So you want the gratuity of 15% added to parties of 8 or more?
Shit

@carlyken

[first day as a ninja]

me: *sneaking in*

him: I’ve been expecting you

me: how

him: dude, I heard the tic tacs rattling in your purse from a mile away is this your first day

@prufrockluvsong

my phone: here’s a
n o t i f i c a t i o n

me: not now my little radiation rectangle, not now

@drayzze

Had a lizard walk up in front of me and start doing little push-ups

Like he’s trying to shame for not working out right now

@okaypup

I wish I was from Finland so when people asked if I was Finnish I could say “no, in fact, I’m just getting started”

@OkieGirl405

Kids: you burned the popcorn

Me: you gave me stretch marks

Being a mom is easy

@DumbConfessions

*sees couple holding hands*

*violently breaks them apart*

“Go. You’re free now.”