
All the women moaning about finding a husband obviously never had one.
Life is basically avoiding people who have seen you naked while trying to find new people to see you naked.
All the women moaning about finding a husband obviously never had one.
What happens when you retweet a compliment about how humble you are?
I really would love to see two mimes arguing
(Don’t let her know you can’t read)
Yes I’ll have this
*points to menu*
-So you want the gratuity of 15% added to parties of 8 or more?
Shit
[first day as a ninja]
me: *sneaking in*
him: Iβve been expecting you
me: how
him: dude, I heard the tic tacs rattling in your purse from a mile away is this your first day
my phone: here’s a
n o t i f i c a t i o nme: not now my little radiation rectangle, not now
Had a lizard walk up in front of me and start doing little push-ups
Like he’s trying to shame for not working out right now
I wish I was from Finland so when people asked if I was Finnish I could say “no, in fact, I’m just getting started”
Kids: you burned the popcorn
Me: you gave me stretch marks
Being a mom is easy
*sees couple holding hands*
*violently breaks them apart*
“Go. You’re free now.”