Life is basically avoiding people who have seen you naked while trying to find new people to see you naked.

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All the women moaning about finding a husband obviously never had one.


What happens when you retweet a compliment about how humble you are?


(Don’t let her know you can’t read)
Yes I’ll have this
*points to menu*
-So you want the gratuity of 15% added to parties of 8 or more?


[first day as a ninja]

me: *sneaking in*

him: I’ve been expecting you

me: how

him: dude, I heard the tic tacs rattling in your purse from a mile away is this your first day


my phone: here’s a
n o t i f i c a t i o n

me: not now my little radiation rectangle, not now


Had a lizard walk up in front of me and start doing little push-ups

Like he’s trying to shame for not working out right now


I wish I was from Finland so when people asked if I was Finnish I could say “no, in fact, I’m just getting started”


Kids: you burned the popcorn

Me: you gave me stretch marks

Being a mom is easy


*sees couple holding hands*

*violently breaks them apart*

“Go. You’re free now.”