9 yo: Mom, please don’t put cheese in my lunch today.
Me: Too late. Havarti packed it.
9 yo: MOM
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Detective: Did your husband have any enemies, ma’am?
Wife: Well, the cat next door never really liked Jim, and that always seemed a bit odd.
If Disney movies have taught me anything, it’s that the whole ENTIRE world speaks English. Including animals and inanimate objects.
If you drop a peanut in a shag rug forget it, let it go.
just leaving a message to let you know I got your text
– voicemails from my dad
“I’m not that kind of girl.”
~That kind of girl
My daughter says people on Facebook are warning to not post about your hairdresser if they make a house call because they’ll lose their license. I imagine vigilante beauticians using the cover of night to sneak out and fight dead ends and gray roots using their capes as…capes.
Maybe vet’s office should come with a doggy park just like any DMV should come with a bar
*shows up to date with horse drawn carriage*
“I’m so surprised!”
Yes it’s a terrible drawing of a carriage but he didn’t have thumbs so
I, for one, understand ingrown hairs. I too have seen the world and would like to go back to where I came from
Juror: we find the defendant guilty
Me: objection your honour! U already asked me if I was guilty & I told u I wasn’t
Judge: he has a point
Wife: I need to lose weight
Me: Maybe you should work out
Wife: Maybe we should workout together
Me: Maybe I should mind my own business
This day in history. 1950. The FBI put out its first 10 Most Wanted list and my dad lost a bet because only 2 of the guys were his brothers.
Me (to 7): Son, we…
Wife (in earpiece): have to talk
M: Have to talk
W: about girls
M: About grills
W: NO
M: NO
W: IDIOT
M: IDIOT
Why stop at biting during sex?
Bite people all the time.
I’m going to get so many free clothes when the rapture comes.
I’m not “rich.” Actually, it depends on how you define wealth. If you’re talking about money, relationships, or happiness, then no still
*i put two straws in my drink*
gf: awhh 🙂
me: hell ya double barrel
*i use both straws*
[after 47 minutes of listening]
okay usually when someone says “what is wrong with me” it’s rhetorical but thanks for the feedback
I’ve finally found a place that sells peanut butter by the splat
Isn’t
The folks who write fragrance commercials must be like “I had the weirdest dream, Imma put it on TV.”
May you never be as bored as whoever figured out that holding a seashell to your ear sounds like the ocean
I enjoy long walks in the woods, but only because there’s a chance I’ll get eaten by a bear.
YOU COULD HAVE HAD “MERRY SIPMAS” OR “HAPPY HOLATTES” ARE YOU KIDDING ME WITH THIS SHIT RN
I hate Valentine’s Day but I do enjoy infant archery.
-Knock Knock!
-Who is it?
-The love of your life.
– 🙂 Really?
-Hahahaha no, it’s the pizza you ordered.
Oh. My. God.
Ladies, he’s not working late. He’s trying to steal the declaration of independence. Stay woke
[first day as a ghost]
BOSS: ur job is to scare people
ME: ok
[later]
ME: *whispering to millennials* you’ll never pay off ur student loans
When dealing with the police it’s important to always remain calm and be white.