@pizzabottle: Life is basically avoiding people who have seen you naked while trying to find new people to see you naked.
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@genehunter1: Twitter is the only place where you're thrilled when a complete stranger starts following you.
@KyleMcDowell86: "Wanna see videos from my vacation?" *shows home video of me eating a raccoon under a bridge "This is the wrong video" "No this is right"
@DaddyJew: Cop: you failed to obey the stop sign Me: I got lost in the music C: what song? M: I'd rather not say C: what song?!? M: I saw the sign