Keep your friends close but your potential organ donors closer.
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Finished stitching this today 😇
if you push your belly button and nose at the same time your brain takes a screenshot
good morning to everyone except people who do that thing where they sigh louder and louder until someone finally asks what’s wrong
[i sweetly pet a wild baby deer in my lap] aww this is so boring
“Here’s Ted with the weather.”
“…”
“I said… Here’s Ted with the weather.”
“…”
“Ted?”
“THAT’s what an unanswered text feels like, Sue.”
If you watch home alone backwards it’s about kid who tortures two strangers then his family comes home and yells at him
Husband: Uses one pillow for his pillow wall.
Me: Adds 4 pillows, 12 bricks and 5 feet of 15.5 gauge barbed wire.
ME: i have a cold
WIFE: for the last time it’s called an ice cube
[bedtime]
me: babe we forgot to lock the door
him: not it
murderer under the bed: not it
me: fine I’ve got it
My 1-year-old already knows how to open the baby gate. She stands there, screams, and I open the gate for her.
Sometimes when I’m drunk, I put on a trench coat, lurk around the shadows and pretend I’m the host from Unsolved Mysteries
haunted house: get. out.
me: (telling spicy gossip) right?
It’s funny how my doorbell starts working when I’m expecting a pizza delivery.
Whenever I hear snapping, I always fear I’m walking into a battle between rival gangs from West Side Story.
Of course my tweet applies to you, random moron on the internet who doesn’t even follow me.
I hate when you forget to wear a belt and have to shoot heroin using the blood pressure machine at walgreens.
“You miss 100% of the shots you don’t take”
Obituary: died of Malaria, Small Pox, Polio, & the flu
damn girl r u internet explorer cause u r not responding
*opens front door to see Christmas carolers singing
Please, I have a family
Wife: How is he?
Doctor: To be honest, he’s like a fish out of water
Wife: He’s in unfamiliar surroundings?
Doctor *pushes glasses up nose* he’s dead
Of course I believe you are God’s gift to women.
He gave us periods and painful childbirth. Why not you too?
Men’s jeans: We have 1000 sizes. What is your waist? What is your height? Where are your hips?
Women’s jeans: We have two sizes, Chickpea and Sycamore
Told my husband I was packed and ready to go even though my flight doesn’t leave for 12 hours, and he offered to take my suitcases to the car as if I really am packed and ready to go 12 hours early.
satan: i am lord of the underworld.
me: Antarctica?
satan: no it’s much hotter.
me: (nods) Australia.
My dog sure barks a lot for someone who needs a pep talk during thunderstorms
‘Believe me I am a expertise when it comes to lovemaking.’
I believe you Internet stranger.
I totally believe you.
Thinking about crashing people’s romantic dinner and screaming “Who is she?”
I’m watching two crows fight over a toothbrush. Crows don’t even have teeth, it’s just capitalism making them want things they don’t need
I hate when I fall down the stairs without my Fitbit on.
Vader: Remove my helmet so I can see you with my own eyes.
Luke: OK.
Vader: On second thought, don’t. I have 30 years worth of hat hair.