@pizzabottle

Life is basically avoiding people who have seen you naked while trying to find new people to see you naked.

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@UrplePingo

LOL there’s like 20 guys w/ “Female Body Inspector” windbreakers that’s hilarious they’re seizing my hard drive & business records LMAO

@jus4golf

95% of my tweets are the truth. The only thing I lie about are statistics.

@AmericanGent69

Me: *walks up to Walgreens cashier with a pack of condoms* Excuse me, where are your fitting rooms?

@adamzopf

I’d run a marathon but I don’t know if I can handle the commitment. I mean a lifetime of telling every person you meet you ran a marathon?

@samsara668

They say I can take the catheter out next week. And no, I’ll never piss on an electric fence again

@TheAlexNevil

Now I lay me down to sleep
I pray the Lord my soul…to keep…
If I shall die before I wake–
Yah, I really don’t like where this is going.

@MaybePileJokes

*first date*

her: I can suck a golf ball through a garden hose

me: I like the sound of that

her: mmmmm oh do you now.

me: yes, I have two young kids. any chance you could suck a ham and cheese sandwich out of a dvd player?

@Izianikapani

Whoever said you can’t hurry love, never had kids knocking on the bedroom door.

@AimeeHelene1

If you ever see me wearing anything fur lined or faux fur, please punch the person I’m with in the face. I’ve been kidnapped & need saved!!

@bauerpower

So, I ordered a Detective Pikachu plush for my desk at work, and I have to say, this is not how I expected him to be packaged.