Life is basically avoiding people who have seen you naked while trying to find new people to see you naked.

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LOL there’s like 20 guys w/ “Female Body Inspector” windbreakers that’s hilarious they’re seizing my hard drive & business records LMAO


95% of my tweets are the truth. The only thing I lie about are statistics.


Me: *walks up to Walgreens cashier with a pack of condoms* Excuse me, where are your fitting rooms?


I’d run a marathon but I don’t know if I can handle the commitment. I mean a lifetime of telling every person you meet you ran a marathon?


They say I can take the catheter out next week. And no, I’ll never piss on an electric fence again


Now I lay me down to sleep
I pray the Lord my soul…to keep…
If I shall die before I wake–
Yah, I really don’t like where this is going.


*first date*

her: I can suck a golf ball through a garden hose

me: I like the sound of that

her: mmmmm oh do you now.

me: yes, I have two young kids. any chance you could suck a ham and cheese sandwich out of a dvd player?


Whoever said you can’t hurry love, never had kids knocking on the bedroom door.


If you ever see me wearing anything fur lined or faux fur, please punch the person I’m with in the face. I’ve been kidnapped & need saved!!


So, I ordered a Detective Pikachu plush for my desk at work, and I have to say, this is not how I expected him to be packaged.