[dinner party]
*host clinks glass* “Everyone we’re having a baby”!
*whispers to other guest* “Oh come on! I told them I was a vegetarian.”
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Waiter: How is the chicken?
Me: Not great. I think he might be dead.
A guy on Tinder just asked me what my Social Security Number was. I was so thrown – I’m really not used to men taking an interest in my life.
A guy in New York had a CVS receipt
stuck to his shoe.Luckily, a lady in Chicago saw it and
was kind enough to pull it off for him.
Aisle 3: oh my god hi!
Aisle 5: haha hi
Aisle 9: yeah hello…
Aisle 10: [little smile]
Aisle 13: I swear to god I will cut you if I see your face again-Death spiral of a friendship when you keep running into them at Target
It’s so embarrassing when someone gets to second base with me and finds crumbs in my bra.
INVENTOR OF CRUNCHY PEANUT BUTTER: *stops smashing peanuts* Well that’s enough of that I think
Your script should feel like a movie. That’s why, before I write FADE IN:, I include six pages of production company logos.
[boxing match]
Commentator: Silva is in the red shorts with green, white & yellow trim
Me: the black guy. Just say Silva is the black guy
Hey people who emphasize words that end in an E by stretching out that E instead of the vowel that *actually* creates the proper emphasis: I hateeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee you.
Judge: We only asked you to state your name.
James Loves Murder: I said I plead the 5th!
I hate it when a stick of butter goes rogue and leaps out of the refrigerator at me when I open the door.
🙀🙀🙀😹
I’ve never seen any of the fast/furious movies. I’m waiting til they are done, so I can watch them in reverse order, so they gradually get less insane
[In Court]
Does the Defense have any last words?
*defense rises* DE-FENSE
*Judge holds up picket fence*
DE-FENSE
*Jury starts The Wave*
Having a toddler is like harboring a bipolar, schizophrenic, incontinent, adorable, tiny dictator.
me: can I try
satan: no
me: why not
satan pausing xbox: well it wouldn’t be hell then would it
The “Is it a bird? Is it a plane” trope makes it canon that Superman flies in a T-pose
“Bad actors” is a wild term because it could mean when the government is doing war crimes but it could also just mean Jared Leto
Thanks, autocorrect. Now all my friends think I’m inviting them over for a Halloween-themed Texas Chainsaw Massage
YouTube: hey we saw u watched a video about a thing
Me: great, would it be possible to fill my entire feed with that thing, forever?
Canadians: Maybe they’re born with it, maybe it’s maple leaf.
I’m not getting married till Pizza Hut allows gift registry.
Unless your vacation pics contain a shark attack please keep them to yourself.
Job interview…
Interviewer “On your CV, it says that you are a man of mystery.”
“That’s correct.”
“Would you like to elaborate?”
“No.”
Pro tip: when a cop asks you to step out of the car, don’t reply with “I’m too drunk, you get in.”
STOMP! STOMP! CLAP!
STOMP! STOMP! CLAP!We will we will drink you
STOMP! STOMP! CLAP!
STOMP! STOMP! CLAP!*pours vodka after bad day*
mfs get a macbook and all of a sudden they got work to do in public places
I’m sorry I threw up on your kid but to be fair, he threw up on me first.
Me: So my car made a noise and..
Mechanic: That’s gonna be expensive.. I can tell already.
Why, woefully unprepared happens to be my middle name