If I was a vulture, I would make way better use of it than most vultures now. For starters, I would do a lot of ominous circling over weddings.
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[speed dating]
Me: Periods.
Her: Huh?
Me: Do they go inside the quotation mark or outside?
Her: In the US or the UK?
Me: Let’s get married.
if someone finds my voodoo doll please shave its legs
I was jumping on the trampoline with my son and now my neighbour won’t stop mowing his lawn next to the fence
as an adult I encounter ingrown nose hairs far more often than random quicksand and that’s bullshit
When Dr. Seuss wrote, “Oh, The Places You’ll Go,” he did not consider how comfortable my couch would be.
It’ll never work, we have very different definitions of words like talented, celebrity, amazing and intelligent.
Me: I need to know where you are at all times. If you go somewhere new, text me. Understand?
Taco truck driver: Okay.
Got a rash on my face in the shape of a roadrunner. I think I might have acme.
We interrupt this moment of self-isolation to focus on my withdrawals & strained relationship with my local bakery.
… and for my next trick, I will appear to know what I’m doing.
me: have you seen my shoes?
dad: I saw them on your feet once
me: I’m serious can you be more specific
dad: hi serious, I’m more specific
My office got a shredder, so now I have to buy a turtle costume to fight it on Monday. Work is hard.
Oh good, instead of socks or electronics or whatever…now Amazon can also deliver your life-saving medications to someone else’s house.
You know how you have that ONE hoodie that no matter when or what you’re eating — you ALWAYS spill something on it? It’s cuz you’re a pig.
WAITER: you can choose between 5 potato options and a salad
ME: [leaning in] the 5 potato options please
I’ve invented a loaf of bread that says ‘Good Morning!’ in German.
I’ve also invented one that just says ‘Morning!’ in German, that’s the guten-free version.
ME: [in front of mirror] Bloody Mary Bloody Mary Bloody Mary
*Bloody Mary appears*
ME: I’m moving today and need your help
BLOODY MARY: Shit
Sometimes the trash takes out itself. Unfortunately, it usually runs its stupid mouth first.
taylor swift: oh my god look at that face you look like my next mistake
me [with mouth full of like way too many Doritos]: what
Me: well someone woke up in a fowl mood
Turkey: *getting dressed* please lose my number
me: i want your honest opinion
friend: [gives honest opinion]
me: [nods… but also mentally drops them 5 spots in my friendship rankings]
[Hospital]
Doctor:”…and so the baby is fine.”
Me:”And my wife?”
Doc:”I’m afraid she’s critical”
Me:”I know! But how is she?”
Was standing in my front yard this evening and some neighborhood kids tried to deflate me.
“Who’re you?”
“I’m sorry, but Who’re isn’t actually an accepted word, you meant to sa-”
” I meant to say who’re, because you’re a who’re.”
Worried that one day pillows will take over and start making forts out of us.
I put my pants on just like everyone else: while screaming obscenities at my pants butler
*Wife sends me a link*
*I click on link*
*Buy whatever’s at the link*
*wait for delivery*~Christmas shopping for my wife
My ex is going through hard times during the current lockdown,
so I’ve sent her some food parcels using “Fed Ex”.#lockdownUKnow #foodparcel #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
Sombrero is better than nobrero.