It’s the weekend, baby! Time to sit in my neighbor’s tree and make bird noises
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When you’re friend recommends a guy who can fix it for less
The guy:
Cryptocurrency, but it’s just dead people buying stuff.
If I was a vampire, pretty sure I’d find a way to cover blood in cheese.
There was a time you couldn’t drive a computer if you didn’t have a driving license…
I asked my wife what she wanted for dinner; she said “Surprise me”. So I broke a beer bottle across the counter.
I’m still very hungry.
[first day in the Mafia]
Me: I’ve taken care of your wife as you asked
Boss: great, where is she? Did she have a nice time?
Me: oh no
*throws phone over courthouse metal detector. catches phone on the other side. resumes conversation*
“Release the Kraken” I say as I push “clean” on the Roomba.
Sorry for getting political on here but a hungry hungry hippo wouldn’t eat marbles. It would eat your head.
At a local restaurant, I got on one knee and she said yes. 13 years later I haven’t got the balls to tell her I was just chasing a crouton.
her: does an apple a day really keep the doctor away
me: *flicks cigarette butt* u ever seen a horse at the ER Karen
we went from “will there be dinner” to “will there be doors” on this flight in record speed
My mom wanted me to go down to the store and get her a newspaper …. So I stopped churning butter and jumped on my horse and I rode off into the sunset to get one.
Me: What the hell do you want?
Him: Um, YOU called ME.
They did not miss in the small print
[War Museum]
Cop: Ma’am, you called about some stolen torpedoes?
Me: Actually I said Doritos
Cop: *walks away
Me: THEY WERE COOL RANCH
The Three Hole Punch either sounds like an awesome karate move or an awful bedroom experience.
Nice tan, what’s your race? Carrot?
My wife is leaving me because of my obsession with ‘Star Wars’.
I said: May divorce be with you…
14: ‘What’s an inheritance?’
Me: ‘Nothing you need to worry about, really.’
Coworker: What book you reading there?
Me: ‘How To Kidnap A Coworker’
CW:…
Me: Not you, Karen. A pretty one.
What, tough guy? Come try taking that picture over here, why don’t ya?
“This was the only way I could speak with you in private. That human woman? She’s trying to kill you.”
– Hey babe, do you like how I did my makeup?
– Yes and if you want I can go and kill Batman with you.
Guac just sounds like someone died before they could say the whole word.
Americans should be asking Santa for better presidential candidates and nothing else.
Do people who happily announce their pregnancy know they are going to be stuck with a baby afterwards?
Just caught a glimpse of myself naked –
Apologies in advance to my coroner
Me (doing an unboxing video for a repressed memory): wow guys this is a GREAT haul
My therapist: no
My wife will be like, “gut reaction, yes or no?”
And then show me two shades of beige paint I can’t even tell are different.