@SamGrittner

Life is like a box of chocolates: Eventually it will kill your dog.

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@KalvinMacleod

If there’s one thing children have taught me it’s how to count down from 5 while pretending there’s a huge consequence if I ever reach zero.

@bencoffeehall

Unappreciated diet tip: If you want to lose a significant amount of weight, it’s important to start out really fat.

@GibJimson

If you say “I knew you were going to say that” enough.

You can start billing people for psychic readings.

@VerefiedHusband

(Standing in front of 3d printer waiting for my bullets to print out as a killer walks toward me) come onnnn come onnnnnn

@Marlebean

Whenever my husband annoys me,
I force him to go to the store for
Maxi pads, extra thin with extra wings
MUST HAVE EXTRA WINGS
Don’t come home without it

@_Embo

Imagine becoming single for the first time in 13 years and then having the apocalypse arrive just as it starts to get interesting…..

@Robert_Beau

Me: 911? My wife and I have been in an accident and
she hit the windshield!
911: How’s her head?
Me: Her sister’s better.

@goeatcake

[At the job interview]

“We’re looking for a super friendly bright & bubbly person.”

“Would that be for the whole time?”