Life is like a box of chocolates: Eventually it will kill your dog.

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If there’s one thing children have taught me it’s how to count down from 5 while pretending there’s a huge consequence if I ever reach zero.


Unappreciated diet tip: If you want to lose a significant amount of weight, it’s important to start out really fat.


If you say “I knew you were going to say that” enough.

You can start billing people for psychic readings.


(Standing in front of 3d printer waiting for my bullets to print out as a killer walks toward me) come onnnn come onnnnnn


Whenever my husband annoys me,
I force him to go to the store for
Maxi pads, extra thin with extra wings
Don’t come home without it


Imagine becoming single for the first time in 13 years and then having the apocalypse arrive just as it starts to get interesting…..


Me: 911? My wife and I have been in an accident and
she hit the windshield!
911: How’s her head?
Me: Her sister’s better.


[At the job interview]

“We’re looking for a super friendly bright & bubbly person.”

“Would that be for the whole time?”