Life is like a box of chocolates: Eventually it will kill your dog.
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r/relationships
I (36m) met my girlfriend (32f) at the exact moment after i sucked helium from a balloon to do a funny voice for a buddy. now weve been together 8 months & Im constantly having to suck helium from balloons when shes not looking because she thinks that’s my voice
Instead of a tweet up,
I think all the twitter crushes should get together for a weekend in the mountains
You know…
A Couples Retweet
Sometimes I feel doomed in dating, but then a random internet man with a profile pic of Deadpool writes “that’s cause u havent been with me yet ;)” and I am filled with joy and hope
I just met the most interesting man at the laundromat
And then I realized that he can’t even afford
A washer or a dryer
People text “happy new year” and go missing for the rest of the year!
*Picks up extra virgin olive oil. *smirks*
“Not for long my friend. Not for long.”
chatgpt is an answer to the “older cousin deficit” we didn’t know we had. we need someone to tell us, with utmost confidence, that cockroaches can live for 3 years without a head, that smoking peanut shells gets you high, the *truth* about how katanas are made, with no sources.
Who chose this font
How did ppl describe the size of hail before the advent of sports?
People are going to get tired of these AI chatbots, because nobody likes a know-it-all.
I wrote to the Bank: “My Cheque was returned with remark ‘Insufficient funds’. I want to know whether it refers to mine or the Bank?”
At a restaurant I thought a family was praying at the table but then I realized they were all texting.
Good guy in movie shot 3 times: I must save my family
Me, kinda sore from trampoline sesh: sorry gramma can’t make it to your 85th bday
doctor: the bad news is you’re dying
me: so there’s good news?
doctor: not for you, no
Why do people say “Cannonball” when jumping into a pool, but no one says “I’m jumping into a pool” when firing a cannonball #Interesting
I wasn’t going to follow you but that bible verse in your bio totally changed my mind.
[lifts $1000 apple watch to my face]
Wrist computer: show me where hot dogs are.
Don’t get excited girls. That bulge in my pants is just emergency Oreos.
The sun isn’t even up yet but this seems like a good time to start yelling at the top of my lungs trying to find a girlfriend.
– birds
We’ve come full circle
Me: Gouda would pair nicely with this merlot!
Priest: This is communion…
M: Oh. Gouda would taste well with the blood of Chr-
P: Leave.
To the girl with the nazi swastika avi that just rt’d me…… You just rt’d a Jew!!!! Enjoy your evening shalom
Where it all went wrong
Me: Oh I love your hair, you look like a different person.
Her: Is that what you want?
[Text]
18: This Hotel wants me to pay for Wi-Fi?!
Me: You do know someone pays for Wi-Fi at home too, right?
[on deathbed]
“Tell my Wif… *cough*”
Yes? Tell her what?
“Tell my Wifi provider their broadband speeds were moderate at best”
[dies]
Kids are supposed to dress like their future career at my daughter’s school today and my husband told her to wear a nice shirt with pajama pants and say she was a remote worker on a video call.
Me: *doing a cute TikTok dance with my grandma*
Headline reads: ‘Two Old Ladies Do TikTok Dance’
Genie: You get 3 wishes
Me: I wish you were terrible at math
Genie: You only have 14 more wishes
Two cannibals are eating a clown. One says to the other: “Does this taste funny to you?”
My daughter just finished watching Frozen so, counting today that’s 12,521,865,635,869 times since Tuesday