life is like a box of chocolates: it kills dogs
You Might Also Like
BREAKING
Scientists warn that Earth could run out of conspiracy theories by 2025 if they keep coming true at the current rate
Gollum: it runs but never walks, has a bed but never sleeps, what is it?
Me: my children, now give me the ring
*gets coronavirus* but that’s impossible i have toilet paper
Remember that tiny bit of constructive feedback that you went out of your way to specifically tell me not to take personally? You’re not gonna believe this.
I have no passwords left in me
SOMEONE LEFT. A FULL PLATE OF COOKIES. AND A GLASS OF MILK. RIGHT BY THE FIREPLACE FOR ME. I AM NOT KIDDING. WHAT A NIGHT
when you order from DoorDastardly
Me: people are going to body shame no matter the size so you may as well have some cake
Them: okay, ma’am, but you still can’t bring a sheet cake into the movie theater
I once asked for their policy on afternoon naps at a job interview.
…turns out they don’t like that.
Everyone saying “Poor Steve Nash, he got hurt again”. POOR? That boy making $9,701,000 this year. If he poor, then I’m skinny.
(6yo student hugging me first thing in the morning, head against my jacket)
Me: You were absent yesterday. Were you sick?
6yo: No, I had lice.
My 6 year old says “Mom, I know” when I correct her and it makes me so excited for the teenage years.
Staying in shape is the worst idea, all you’ve done is advertise that you’re capable of helping people move
How many syllables does the word “Gloria” have?
CATHOLICS: 18
(1:35pm) God: Yo Abraham
(1:37pm) Abe: sup
(1:38pm) God: Need u to kill ur son
(1:42pm) Abe: k(4:02pm) God: jk lol
(4:10pm) God: u there?
Jon if Garfield is too fat maybe stop purchasing ingredients and cooking full lasagnas for him you realize that’s dinner for a human family
[farm]
SON: *crying*
ME: Look, I told you not to get attached to the animals because eventually we have to eat them
SON *running away*: I HATE YOU!!
ME: He’s taking it pretty hard… but I did warn him
WIFE: None of us thought you meant the dog
Son: [cracks knuckles]
Me: Oh yeah? [stands up and knees and back make bubble wrap noises for 20 seconds]
Me: [shaking uncontrollably watching political satire]
Her: are you alright?
Me: YES THIS IS HOW I RELAX NOW
I wish I was dinosaur. No school, no work, just ror ror.
You’re in his DMs, I’m outside his window with a JBL speaker streaming Taylor Swift.
Friend: What are you doing this weekend?
Me: Amusement Pork.
Friend: You mean Amusement Park?
Me: No, I don’t.
I would’ve thrown a coin in the water fountain and wished for all the money in it, but I just waited ’til it was dark instead.
Got disqualified from the rap battle for being too dope*
*trying to start a tickle fight
Five second rule? Pfft. What’s the point of having an immune system if you’re not going to use it?
Posh sugar daddies are called fructose fathers
*panics during bank robbery*
“Uhhhh hi yeah I’d like to put this gun in my safety deposit box”
If Kevin Spacey doesn’t sign his name like this
Kevin E
Then he’s pretty damn stupid…
When my kids misbehave we watch ‘Honey, I Shrunk the Kids’ and then I make them stand in a giant Petri dish while I set up the machine.