@Piecezilla

Life is like a box of chocolates. It’s making you fat and killing your dog.

You Might Also Like

@gaynorlsimpson

How to stop an unwanted DM.

Hi, how are you?

Me: Well, my ex has me on a wanted list because I’m a psychotic cow, how are you?

@iwearaonesie

*wakes up*
*looks at clock*
8:00
*brushes teeth*
*looks at clock again*
8:30

*gets to work*
*looks at clock*
9:00
*comes out of a 2 hour meeting*
*looks at clock again*
9:05

@SvnSxty

*on the phone*

God: I’ve read it

God: Yes, SEVERAL hard reboots

God: A meteor

God: No warranty, no

God: I tampered with Pangea

God: You think I don’t know that?

God: *pulling hair* THERE’S NO RECEIPT

*spying*

Batman: Who’s he talking to

Robin: Holy tech support Batman

@junejuly12

You think you’ve doing an okay job as a parent, and then you learn your 8 year-old has only been pretending to brush his teeth for two months.

@GoldenSpirals

You pulled out in front of me.
Now you’re going slow.
I don’t like my car.
I will win this one.

@ixix82

By 33, you’d think I’d have figured out at some point along the way where to put my arms when I sleep.

@PinkCamoTO

Me: What are you doing?
H: Fantasy football.
M: Which football players are you fantasizing about?
H:
M:
H:
M: Is that not how it works?

@Merman_Melville

At my funeral the priest will throw my corpse into the crowd and whoever catches it will be the next to die

@LuvPug

I love how Prince Charming is so dumb he doesn’t recognize Cinderella without her shoe.

@notfunnyelle

I call my smoke detector gordon ramsay because it screams at me every time I cook