Life is like a box of chocolates. It’s making you fat and killing your dog.

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How to stop an unwanted DM.

Hi, how are you?

Me: Well, my ex has me on a wanted list because I’m a psychotic cow, how are you?


*wakes up*
*looks at clock*
*brushes teeth*
*looks at clock again*

*gets to work*
*looks at clock*
*comes out of a 2 hour meeting*
*looks at clock again*


*on the phone*

God: I’ve read it

God: Yes, SEVERAL hard reboots

God: A meteor

God: No warranty, no

God: I tampered with Pangea

God: You think I don’t know that?

God: *pulling hair* THERE’S NO RECEIPT


Batman: Who’s he talking to

Robin: Holy tech support Batman


You think you’ve doing an okay job as a parent, and then you learn your 8 year-old has only been pretending to brush his teeth for two months.


You pulled out in front of me.
Now you’re going slow.
I don’t like my car.
I will win this one.


By 33, you’d think I’d have figured out at some point along the way where to put my arms when I sleep.


Me: What are you doing?
H: Fantasy football.
M: Which football players are you fantasizing about?
M: Is that not how it works?


At my funeral the priest will throw my corpse into the crowd and whoever catches it will be the next to die


I love how Prince Charming is so dumb he doesn’t recognize Cinderella without her shoe.


I call my smoke detector gordon ramsay because it screams at me every time I cook