If my teenagers see this tweet, since no one is answering my texts….mommy’s flight is on time and the house better be clean when I get home.
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How about daylight saves us for once
I never understood movie scenes where they have to train assassins. just drop me in some hot climate, don’t feed me and I’ll kill everyone.
“let the meat rest for 5 minutes after cooking” wtf it doesn’t need a rest just been sitting there in the oven for an hour
I’m uncomfortable with flirting. I never know at what point I show the guy I’m able to put my entire fist in my mouth.
[Girl over my house]
“My ex boyfriend had this weird one-man-band thing. You dont, right?”
[Unclipping my harmonica holder]
Def not.
I’m under the weather today, also so is everyone else, that’s how weather works.
My dad taught me the importance of having convictions in life. Ten felonies later, I now know that some words have more than one meaning.
If you haven’t left a store carrying your screaming kid surfboard style you’re not really parenting.
I’ve done the math, and 97% of people who “light up a room” get murdered.
My dog went to his room but left a decoy and I legit thought he was still sitting next to me for like two hours
Doctor: are you sexually active?
Me: why, what have you heard?
You may be the stupidest person I’ve ever met. And I’ve met me
If you ever feel unattractive, just remember that you look like your ancestors, and Hey, All of them got laid.
I wrote a book called “The Sun Also Rises” until I found out that Hemingway wrote a novel with the exact same title. So I changed mine to “The Sun Also Rises Too As Well”
No one has ever called me “daddy” in bed unless they had to throw up, pee, or wrecked a car.
I feel a bit deprived…….
Just found out monkey pox is sexually transmitted .. just another win for me
Just emerged from my Y2K bunker.
Everybody okay?
“are you sure these x-rays are safe?”
[doctor 12 feet away behind a lead wall] you’re fine
[God creating bears]
God: people will wanna hug ’em, but you really shouldn’t
My buddies and I used to play bank account chicken where you wire them the full contents of your account and say “bet you won’t send it back” but our wives made us stop
“I’m away at school for one day and you give away my room?!”
One day I hope the bravery of the people who initiate clapping is recognized.
Sometimes I get so wrapped up in my own problems that I forget there are people having real fights on the internet.
I’m way too old for this shit.
*What I say every day as if I’m suddenly gonna start getting younger.
Breaking news:
He was a man of peace…until they burned down his village. Now, the quest for vengeance has turned him into…A Man Of Burning Things Down
‘Sorry I liked your Facebook status, I was using my laptop as a plate’- my autobiography
people often debate spf levels, but i’ve always found the most effective sunscreen to be the roof of an air conditioned house
Just got another idiot, who now thinks he’s good at karate, to paint my fence and wax my cars. Lol.
*Mr. Miagi on Twitter