sorry I didn’t answer when you called, I had 6 Peeps in my mouth
Life is like a box of chocolates, once you have kids it’s gone.
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I’m at that age where the most pain-free method of putting on socks is to just throw them at my feet and hope for the best.
Luckily, children are much easier to keep alive than house plants.
I’m no cactus expert, but I know a prick when I see one.
Wife: do we have any Kool-Aid?
Kool-Aid: *Burst through wall* OH YEAH!
Me: seriously Martha?
Batman: *crashes through window* WHY DID YOU SAY THAT NAME?
I never point out when someone’s zipper is down. I just zip it up for them.
Someone just asked me to fax them my email address. Careful driving folks, these people walk amongst us…
Interviewer: So your resume says you’re familiar with Excel?
Me: ah yes… Excel.. the elusive mistress.. siren of data.. functions fatale…
Interviewer: Do you know how to use Excel?
Me: I do not
Her: I like dangerous sex, like in a moving car!
Me: Have you ever had an accident?
Her: No, I’m on the pill.
HOT SINGLES IN YOUR AREA WANT TO KNOW IF YOU REALLY PLAN ON WEARING THAT