@papasuncle

Life is like a box of chocolates, once you have kids it’s gone.

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@realfunghi

You can buy my cassette series “Yelling : Greatest Hits”

Including classics such as:

– Hey!
– What the Hell?
– What the heck? (Radio edit)
– Oh come on!

And the chart topping hit:

– Yo…hey yo! Over here! No, over here to your left!

@

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@AnthonyM334

For someone, somewhere, today is the last day they will have 10 fingers.

@70Ceeks

DORA: “What was YOUR favorite part?!”
ME:
DORA:
ME:
DORA: “I like that part too.”

@ermahgarton

MURDERER: could a murderer do THIS? *defendant proceeds to not kill anyone*
JUDGE: he’s got a point

@Rollinintheseat

*Buys 15 feet of bubble wrap*

Cashier: “Are you moving?”

Me: “No, why?”

@drayzze

Sorry I broke up with you via interpretive dance.

@Jamie1947

*talking into the phone, loudly enough
that I know those ladies can hear me*
WHATS THAT? MY SPACESHIP IS READY? GREAT, THANKS BARACK. OBAMA.

@bfrosty04

I’m gonna go out on a limb and declare ‘Drugs’ the winner of the war on drugs.

@SketchesbyBoze

me: I’m stuck in my home with unlimited free time

my bookshelf: you can finally read all the books you’ve been meaning to read

me: absolutely not