Life is like a box of chocolates, once you have kids it’s gone.
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I like to yell “Stranger danger!”whenever my boss introduces me to a new client.
I wouldn’t call it ‘passive aggressive’, but I do send the glitter Christmas cards to the people who annoy me.
3-year-old: Daddy, I love you *hugs me*
Me: I love y- Did you wipe your mouth on my shirt?
Most of fatherhood is just being a good napkin.
Lawyer: Is there any chance they’ll find the victim’s DNA on your clothes?
Me: No way, I used a lint roller.
Lawyer: Wait what?
Me: Yeah just *pantomiming a lint roller*
[a shark bites my arm off at the bicep]
me: “MY TATTOOS”
I’m getting dangerously close to the age where I type the thing I’m searching for into the status update field.
Man, I can’t believe 2019 was over 20 years ago
My dad just called because he was thinking of me & loves me. And THAT’S why I never danced on a pole. Well, that and I got too dizzy.
Practice self-care like bats, avoid daylight & hug yourself adoringly while you sleep.
i’ve started saying good undernoon between 10 and 12 and let me tell you everyone at work hates it
The calories of the third sandwich don’t count of the first two were delicious
*leads wife into bedroom where rose petals on comforter spell out “NO, YOU TAKE OUT THE GARBAGE”
Friend: Did you already eat or do you want to get some food?
Me: Correct.
Sir, I see that you spelled “résumé” with the correct accent marks. Unfortunately you’re just too fancy to work here at Popeye’s Chicken.
ME: I’m dead inside.
THERAPIST: How does that make you feel?
ME: Dead inside. Jesus, is this your first fuckin day?
I sure didn’t win the genetic lottery. I can eat healthy and diet for 6 months and lose 10 lbs. I eat like shit for 3 and a quarter days and gain 73
10yo checking the weather app:
OH F-Me: LANGUAGE!
10: -OG!
Me: ohhh my bad, carry on
Someone just wished me “Happy Holidays” and I was so offended. How DARE someone assume I’d ever want to be happy.
The best part about sex is the roundhouse kicks.
Not to brag but I can chop an onion without crying
And I can cry without chopping an onion
[antique store]
customer: I want something new for my living room
me: do… do you know what antique means
As my friend Joe’s last wish I had him cremated and sprinkled his ashes into the coffee pots at work..all morning everyone had a cup of Joe
[Traffic Stop]
Cop: Sir, please step out of the car
Me: But you said…
Cop: I said 3 minutes tops & you promised not to touch the siren.
Gandalf: A wizard is never late, nor is he early; he arrives precisely when he means to.
Mrs Gandalf: *glares into the camera*
Ferrari squats
Lifehack: dress your young children in the colors of the food you are serving them to avoid outfit changes.
God is watching everything. God is sitting on side upper birth.
Somewhere out there, there must be a toddler who has eaten all of their dinner after only being asked once. I want to believe.
I hate people who hold grudges, but not as much as I hate my high school German teacher.
Every time I have to get a new driver’s license it is impossible for me to achieve. I cannot collect four documents with my name on it. I simply cannot!!! I don’t know where any are. I will drive you over to my house and show you my stuff to prove I live there and can drive.