@papasuncle

Life is like a box of chocolates, once you have kids it’s gone.

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@RodLacroix

I’m at that age where the most pain-free method of putting on socks is to just throw them at my feet and hope for the best.

@Bluestmoon_

Luckily, children are much easier to keep alive than house plants.

@crmotwo

Wife: do we have any Kool-Aid?

Kool-Aid: *Burst through wall* OH YEAH!

Me: seriously Martha?

Batman: *crashes through window* WHY DID YOU SAY THAT NAME?

@Loli_Sug

I never point out when someone’s zipper is down. I just zip it up for them.

@215potter

Someone just asked me to fax them my email address. Careful driving folks, these people walk amongst us…

@grannythings

Interviewer: So your resume says you’re familiar with Excel?

Me: ah yes… Excel.. the elusive mistress.. siren of data.. functions fatale…

Interviewer: Do you know how to use Excel?

Me: I do not

@djdarrellripley

Her: I like dangerous sex, like in a moving car!

Me: Have you ever had an accident?

Her: No, I’m on the pill.

Me: (Sigh)

@SuperApple80

HOT SINGLES IN YOUR AREA WANT TO KNOW IF YOU REALLY PLAN ON WEARING THAT