@TheNardvark

Life is like a box of chocolates. People repeating the same movie quotes over and over until words have no meaning peanut tambourine ocelot

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@DangOlWill

*Bad guy in pokemon voice* i want to end all life *after losing a fight* well fair’s fair here’s twenty dollars

@blondecalamity

A) I don’t care who is stalking my twitter
B) I don’t care who is saying terrible things about me
C) I don’t care – OH! Free iPad??? *click*

@ieatanddrink

Just heard that distinct “baby fell out of the crib and into a pizza that was on the floor” sound

@ladybroseph

Boy, are you a yellow sports car because I am embarrassed to be seen with you but I am very pleased with your performance.

@CulturedRuffian

Friends: Come get a drink with us after work?

Me: Nah, I gave up drinking for my New Year’s Resolution.

Friends: C’mon, just have one….

Me: Ok, maybe just one.

[ three hours later at the club ]

Me:

@ThisLocalHater

To the middle-aged guy in front of me at the bookstore buying several martial arts books: Is that even legal with your lack of ponytail?

@egg_dog

good prank: sneak into someone’s house every night over a year and replace thier toilet with a slightly larger one until it fills tthe room

@shariv67

Autocorrect and I are so close, we finish each other’s sentinels.

@david8hughes

[skydiving with my dog]
Me: ur ears r inside out
My dog: can’t hear u my ears r inside out
Me: it’s the wind
My dog: I think it’s the wind