Mission: Impossible
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Someone stole my debit card, went and spent $60 at a restaurant and only left a $4 tip. It’s not even your card, and you leave a $4 tip. Unreal
Of course climate change is man-made. It’s all been meticulously orchestrated by the Titanic survivors, seeking revenge on that iceberg.
Slept on the floor last night for fun with the kids and now I’m paralyzed
I made a new rule at dinner tonight.
Every time my kids complained about my cooking, I gave them an extra helping.
It was the quietest meal we’ve had in months.
if you save that one free donut u get everyday after getting vaccinated, by the end of the year that’s enough donuts to open your own shop but y’all don’t see the vision
for the 7th year in a row, Rick Astley refuses to give his wife her favorite Pixar movie for Christmas
I got free pancakes on International Pancake Day. International Women’s Day is now almost over and I think I like pancake day better.
you just know somebody’s being called by their full name right now
People overlook Dracula’s positive attributes. In his bat form, he eats mosquitoes and other unwanted backyard insects.
What’s the longest you’ve walked around looking for your raccoon when it was on your head the whole time.
My personal best is 16 hours.
I always feel a little guilty when a bum catches me eating food out of the garbage because I want to, not because I need to.
When you try to tell a story but start getting anxious and mess it up, that’s a panicdote.
If Stephen King wrote Mean Girls: yeah so first we need more pig’s blood in this scene.
I’ve verified my own account.
It’s utter crap ✔
imagine an evil whale. you can’t. what would it even do
Wife: Hey *waking me up* you got really drunk last night
Me: You can’t prove that
Taco Bell employee: No we can
Calling a movie “Psycho” ruins the surprise because you know there’s going to be a psycho in it. It should have been called “Normal, Maybe”
My least popular conspiracy theory is that orchestra conductors don’t actually do anything. Some guy just shows up and says “okay I’mma direct you” and the musicians play the same but treat it like a Make-a-Wish thing and are like, “That’s great, bud, you’re directing so good!”
Almost arrived at work when my kid asked “Where’re we going?” Who the hell did I just drop off at school?!
Not me walking to the supermarket and feeling cute in my polka dot summer dress until an elderly woman stops to point out we’re wearing the same dress.
“Wanna hear a joke?”
“Alright then.”
“What’s the difference between a toilet and a fridge?”
“I don’t know,”
“You’re disgusting.”
[the afterlife]
Me: So, this is heaven!
*sees husband* whoa whoa whoa, what’s he doing here?! The contract said til death parts us!Angel: *chuckling*
Me: omg. this is hell, isn’t it.
A tragic kissout between police and suspects leaves over 15 innocent bystanders believing in love again
Why are mobs always “angry mobs”?
Where are all the relaxed mobs and contented mobs and mildly pleasant mobs?
*wakes up kids in the middle of the night* hey. hey sssshhhh. is pikachu just a cat with makeup on
At this point in my life, the little angel on my shoulder just says “Oh this is gonna be good…” and starts munching popcorn.
I left my kids with a list of things for them to do today because apparently I like to be optimistic & disappointed at the same time.
Me, sophisticated:
*tastes wine* Mmm, is this a red?
Storm about to blow in, very windy, out in my yard talking to neighbor
Neighbor: *talking, shifts*
Me: *shifts, too, talking*
N: *moves, keeps talking*
M: *moves, too, keeps talking*
N: Why are you copying me? Wait…Are you using me to block the wind?
Me: Yes
N: *laughing*
Want to get really stoned? Commit adultery in Iran.