Life is like a box of chocolates,
The good ones are always gone before I get there!
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Look, if I have to stop to explain the reasoning behind everything I do, I’ll never get anything done, so could you please just let me finish the construction of this banana cannon
I was in a park and a lady loudly called out “Anyone who wants an ice cream come over here”. I headed over with several others. She handed out ices to them all then asked me “Who are you?”. I realised the rest were all her family. 30 years later I still cringe.
I’m not allowed to use the credit card anymore, last month I bought 43 falcons
Good things to say after sex
1. thanks
2. that was fun
3. do u think my betta fish went to heaven when he died
4. where then
5. where is he
I purposely bought a small house so I could say “I’m sorry, I don’t have any room”
[being chased around my house by a murderer]
ME: PLEASE STOP, THIS IS JUST SENSELESSMURDERER: What?
ME [puts Fitbit on] Ok carry on
All kids are born with a sixth sense that lets them know the absolute worst time to ask for something.
Knowing you’ve got indigestion is a gut feeling
#mondaymirth
Mario: hey u up?
Princess: yeah y?
M: come over 😉
P: can’t. Kidnapped 🙁
M: Where? I’ll save u
P: castle. Up stairs, next 2 flagpole
M: k
I got married under the spiderweb at recess when I was in kindergarten. I just saw my ex with his new wife. I bet she doesn’t know he eats crayons.
I’m writing a horror story. It’s about a girl who forgets her headphones and her colleagues think it’s ok to talk to her. So much blood.
That earthquake could have been an email.
front of the back of the
Christmas tree Christmas tree
An air mattress is the best way to tell your houseguests not to stay too long.
Just texted her “thanks for choking on me” I meant “checking” but kinda curious what the response is gonna be.
If you change your avi, I will assume you’ve stolen all your previous tweets from that other guy.
Mensa should be calling any day now.
[first date]
ME: *staring at phone* So then you just come up with something funny and people RT you
WAITER: Sir, your date left 20 min ago
Mufasa: my son, present your first antelope kill
Simba: *hiding cantaloupe behind his back* my what now
Scar: *whispering* lmao I’m the lyin’ king
Microwave sparked and is suddenly dead, now I really have no idea what time it is.
4-year-old: What does God smell like?
Me:
4-year-old:
Me: Nachos.
4-year-old: With cheese?
Ninja wedding vows be like “in slickness and in stealth.”
We like the way Dwight thinks
*Cracks knuckles*
“Time to solve an international conflict with the worst takes you’ve ever seen in your life”
If squirrels could talk, they’d have British accents.
WIFE: *yells into basement* Our savings account is entirely empty. Do you know what happened?
ME: *assembling robot monkey butler* No idea
All I’m saying is nothing is more annoying than people who ask “Why do you let them annoy you?”
superterriblemorningexpialidocious
We got a notice at work that a coyote had been spotted on the fitness trail, and I was, like, “Good for him.”
My 8yo daughter said people are hoarding toilet paper so they can hug it and use it as a stress reliever, and my 6yo son said that it’s more likely they’re all making forts out of toilet paper to protect them from COVID-19. Idk… forts, probably.