Life is like a can of mixed nuts. No matter how hard you try to get all kinds, you’re always left with a bunch of peanuts in the end.
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The darkness in me is making me sneeze.
MY WIFE:We named you after our favorite songs. You were mine
LAYLA: I love that
ME: And you mine
THEME FROM DUCKTALES: No, yeah, I figured
I’ve never seen anyone go through drug withdrawals, but I once hid my son’s iPad for 10 minutes.
Mary: oh no my period is late
Joseph: oh no how late
Mary: I dunno, what’s the date
Joseph: hmm according to the calendar it’s 9 months BC
Mary: 9 months what now
When she rips his shirt open in the movies, it’s sexy and romantic. But when I try it, he’s all “Your Pap smear is normal, but please don’t do that with your toes every time”.
my wife and i are having a hard time conceiving a highway so we’re considering adopting
MOM ITS NOT A DOLLHOUSE IM PRETENDING TO BE A GIANTE THATS TERRORIZING A FAMILY GOSH *waits for mom to leave* and im makig them have tea
Me: Please don’t talk to me until I’ve had my coffee.
You: Would you like some coffee?
Me: No.
People say “life’s a journey, not a destination,” because the destination is death. The journey sucks too. Anyway, to the bride and groom!
My kids’ school sends home so much artwork I’ve had to buy 8 refrigerators since September.
You’re an adult now. Stop lying about your life on Facebook and start doing it on LinkedIn
Just for fun I’m putting these on windshields in parking lots all over the city on Valentines Day…
Impress them on your first date by showing up in a shirt with their face on it.
Smile they said.
“This is BULLSHIT” – enthusiastic manure salesman
If I win Poweball we’re all gonna have a party with SOOO much cocai…cake!
Yes, I would take a bullet for you.
We’re still talking about shoplifting at the ammo store right?
Radiohead fans, this is for you.
Kobe was a legend on the court and just getting started in what would have been just as meaningful a second act. To lose Gianna is even more heartbreaking to us as parents. Michelle and I send love and prayers to Vanessa and the entire Bryant family on an unthinkable day.
Easter chocolate is the best chocolate. Everbunny knows that.
[barbershop]
ME: *walks in holding up a wanted poster* hi can you make me look like uhhh not this
[sound of sirens outside getting louder]
*sweating* …quickly
I HAVE FINALLY MET MY DREAM MAN
I just got ripped to shreds by an extremely old man. I got on the elevator from the basement of my building and he got on too. I said “going up?” And he said “certainly. Can’t go down from here” old man I was trying to be polite why you gotta clown me like that
Drunk Draft Folder Contents:
“Trees. LOL.”
“I was born once. Pickles.”
“Spice Girls”
“Toes. Are on my feet. Both feet. Not just one.”
Me: I hurt my shoulder.
Them: sports related injury?
Me: sports bra related injury.
My husband let the batteries die in all the security cameras because he didn’t like seeing his bald spot at a better angle.
There’s plenty of deeply disturbed fish in the sea.
You know what cats don’t like? Blow dryers.
You know what’s funny? Pointing your blow dryer at your cat.
Anyway, I lost an eye today.
*visits new girlfriend’s house for 1st time*
“Make yourself at home”
Great. Thanks!
*I crawl into the closet and begin sobbing loudly*