@SamGrittner

Life is like a roller coaster: There are ups & downs, you often feel like vomiting, but in the end there are weird pictures of you for sale.

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@HaramiParindey

Interviewer : What are your expectations?

Me : Job.

Interviewer : I mean what do you want from this job?

Me : Salary

@michelleDbelle

My doctor advised me to ease back into my exercise regime. So, today I plan on driving past the gym slowly.

@PinkCamoTO

Thanks to Fitbit, all my anxious pacing can be passed off as exercise.

@MarkTConard

Someone hash-tagged “share the love,” and I read it as “shave the love.” I thought, yeah, I can get on board with that.

@CMFC99

Eventually you’re going to achieve self awareness in a padded cell, staring at your palm, realizing twitter was just all your personalities

@InternetHippo

Depression is an evolutionary adaptation, predators can’t eat you if you don’t leave your house

@AlanFelyk

It’s amazing how many people can hit pine trees and drive with them still hanging on their car roofs. Like nothing happened.

@noimnotjewish

Dude, the fact that I called YOU to bail me out of jail is quite the compliment, so let’s dial back that “It’s 4 am!” attitude, mmkay?

@Storminika

*Attempts to give a Homeless guy change*

Him: Thanks. You never know, one day my situation might be you.

Me: Really? *holds on to change*