Life is like a roller coaster: There are ups & downs, you often feel like vomiting, but in the end there are weird pictures of you for sale.
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Got home at 2:30AM after traveling from Miami to Los Angeles yesterday. I slept 5 hours, unpacked everything, cleaned our entire house, including washing clothes, towels, and sheets + went grocery shopping.
I will never be this productive again, so I had to tell everyone. 😂
Today someone asked me, how much you weigh….
So I told her one hundred and sexy!#curvyissexy
Luke: forgive me father for I have sinned
Darth Vader:
If you love something, set it free
If you hate something, do origami
If you’re hungry, go watch a movie
I don’t understand how advice works
Things that don’t exist:
1. Fairies
2. Elves
3. Gnomes
4. Trolls
5. Whatever item my wife sends me to the grocery store to get
by age 35 you should have saved enough money to hire someone from the dark web to murder you
Thoroughly enjoyed my walk along a nudist beach this morning.
My cats woke me up at 3am fighting so while they’re trying to sleep it off I think I’ll spend the whole day vacuuming
Me: You should take a bath
Kid: You can’t make me!
Doctor: You should eat more leafy greens
Me: You can’t make me!
The lady at the massage parlor asked if I wanted a happy ending, I said yes and then she proceeded to tell me the plot of Homeward Bound.
Oh, I bet you would be
Pink has done surprisingly well as a solo artist ever since her and Floyd split up.
Is there a way I can filter out all work emails except the ones telling me there are donuts or cake in the office?
ME: Man, Nosferatu is a good film
HIPSTER: I preferred the original
M: Original? What original?
H: Nosfera One.
Coronavirus and Animal Crossing is like that one summer with Pokémon GO but like…..opposite.
“Yellow leaves are a sign of not enough water.” Oh! Gary watered the plant. “Yellow leaves are also a sign of too much water.” Oh, ffs.
Friends don’t let friends buy cinnamon scented decorative brooms.
Someone told me they dont get tattoos cuz “you dont put bumper stickers on a Ferrari” which was weird bc he was a 92 Chevy caprice at best
Just went to the water fountain at this IKEA, only to find 2 hydrogen fountains and an oxygen fountain.
People always act really shocked when I tell them that I don’t like chocolate. Even moreso when I say I don’t like dogs. But I don’t know man, I just don’t think either tastes very good.
Me: my personality is broken I’m here to buy a new one
Psychiatrist: that’s not how therapy works-
Me: [slides $20] I want to be cool
Ever noticed how pears in a paper bag always seem to be ripe all together at once? This is because they easily succumb to pear pressure.
Romance is:
Making her a sandwich and cutting it in half using your miter saw for the perfect angle.
I can’t explain it but making the bed changes me on a deep spiritual level. Stressed? Make the bed! The rest of your house is in shambles? Ahhhh look at that nice made bed, luxury! 5 mins before bedtime but you forgot to make the bed? Simply make the bed and get in it.
*grilled cheese
cheese: i want a lawyer
If life gives you lemons, remember that they are the result of humans crossbreeding bitter oranges with citrons and do not occur naturally. Therefore life never gave you any lemons to begin with; we made them up.
ok hear me out: Luigiana
My family has a proud tradition of hunting down the worst possible person we can find, and then marrying them.
JOSEPH: oh thank god you’re here
MARY: did you bring the diapers blankets and formula
WISE MAN: no i brought myrrh
If my 6 year old tells me someone was “mean to him” I never know if they stole his bike or tried to cook him a healthy meal.