@better_off_dad

Life is like a Rubik’s Cube

It may look like a jumbled mess at first, but in the end it will make you want to beat the shit out of someone.

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@TheDairylandDon

Once you understand they’re unwilling time travelers dropped here moments earlier, the confused actions of squirrels suddenly make sense.

@ShortSleeveSuit

ME [opening a card from the boss that says ‘get better soon’]: but i’m not sick, sir

BOSS: no, you’re just
terrible at this job

@TeflonPawn

By the power vested in me by this case of beer, I now pronounce these three loads of laundry as one.

@Browtweaten

me: today I made asphalt, mixed paint and got zoning approval

date: that seems like a lot

me: parking garage actually

date: what

me: what

@WhaJoTalkinBout

him: you’re obsessed with the Flintstones

me *totally broke, struggling to use a chipmunk to open a can* haha yes

@simoncholland

Me: [Alone in our kitchen making a sandwich]

My teeanager: Why are you trying to embarrass me?

@imchriskelly

Someone once introduced Jeff Goldblum to me at a party by saying, “This is Chris Kelly,” and he exclaimed, “My god, of course!”

I couldn’t believe it. He know who I was??

Then he proceeded to say, “My god, of course!” to every person he was introduced to.

I love Jeff Goldblum.