Once you understand they’re unwilling time travelers dropped here moments earlier, the confused actions of squirrels suddenly make sense.
Life is like a Rubik’s Cube
It may look like a jumbled mess at first, but in the end it will make you want to beat the shit out of someone.
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ME [opening a card from the boss that says ‘get better soon’]: but i’m not sick, sir
BOSS: no, you’re just
terrible at this job
If a dude is wearing cowboy clothes, is he ranch dressing?
Saw a kid in a stroller with an iced coffee. I gave him my resume.
By the power vested in me by this case of beer, I now pronounce these three loads of laundry as one.
me: today I made asphalt, mixed paint and got zoning approval
date: that seems like a lot
me: parking garage actually
Paying bills, or as I call it, the race to a zero balance
him: you’re obsessed with the Flintstones
me *totally broke, struggling to use a chipmunk to open a can* haha yes
Me: [Alone in our kitchen making a sandwich]
My teeanager: Why are you trying to embarrass me?
Someone once introduced Jeff Goldblum to me at a party by saying, “This is Chris Kelly,” and he exclaimed, “My god, of course!”
I couldn’t believe it. He know who I was??
Then he proceeded to say, “My god, of course!” to every person he was introduced to.
I love Jeff Goldblum.