Dad: Are you hungry?
Me: Yeah!!! I could eat a horse right now!
Dad: I was asking the dog.
Me:
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I will straight up walk into traffic to avoid a kid selling something.
“john could tell that emily was getting tired of him narrating their date”
What they don’t tell you about marriage is that between year 5 and 15, your wife will record you snoring in the night, and then present it to you like it’s evidence in a murder trial.
So I go to McDonalds & I’m ordering my food & the car behind starts honking their horn bc I’m taking to long to order. So I go to the 1st window and paid for my food & theirs too. Then I got to the 2nd window to get my food and took theirs too.
Facebook is where you’ll find people sharing screenshots of sarcastic tweets and commenting “stupid”.
Some time last year, I accidentally splashed pothole water onto a lady on a rainy day. When I stopped to apologise, the lady immediately ran away! I’m still wondering why
Don’t be shallow and marry someone just for their looks. Make sure they have money.
Twitter makes possible so many amazing things we couldn’t do before. Like trolling the Nazis:
when i wake up with no”good morning baby” text 😡
them: it’s carl with a K
me: oh ok hi cark
What if all the cashiers are married?
Coworker: What are those chocolate coins you guys get on Hanukkah called?
Me: Gelt.
Coworker: Guilt?
Me: No, Jews get that all year round.
My 2020 gratitude journal is written entirely in profanity.
DiCaprio movie endings;
Shutter Island: is he dead?
Titanic: is the boat dead?
Romeo & Juliet: is everyone dead?
Inception: am I dead?
A cell phone with a low battery is nothing more than a damn-cell in distress
You don’t want to be on any project or mission with a checklist that includes “backup underwear”.
I feel like it should be pretty obvious at this point that when I google “how long does [some food item] last” what I mean is “I am going to eat the food, please tell me how sick I should expect to get”
pilot: we’re about to crash
passengers: OMG
pilot: this wedding
passengers: phew
pilot: cause we’re gonna run into this church
What psycho decided it was a good idea for kids to hunt for chocolate easter eggs right when the spring thaw reveals all the dog poop?
A fun thing to do is comment “that ain’t the girl you were with at the bar the other night” on all my married friends Facebook family photos
It’s only a matter of time before the casino realizes that baby I lost at the roulette table wasn’t mine
If you watch Wall-E backwards its about a little robot that would rather live alone forever than deal with fat people.
Unknown number calls and expects me to talk first, welcome to breathing competition.
Mike Tyson’s apartment building
Using my invisible hula hoop really freaks people out.
Talk to me like you’re trying to steal my credit card number, baby
8:23am: *calls mom, no answer*
8:57am: *calls mom, no answer*
9:12am: *calls mom, no answer*
9:26am: *calls mom, no answer*
9:27am: *takes a shower*
9:33am: *27 missed calls from mom*
9:34am: *calls mom, no answer*
Haven’t you heard, Fanny packs are back.
Him: It’s just… I’ve never seen anyone eating boiled eggs out of one…
How the Grinch Stole Christmas (1966): A hermit living within his means is ultimately corrupted by the power of consumerism.
Spoil any movie by telling ur friend “Ice Cube dies” before they watch it. They’ll be waiting for Ice Cube to appear and die the whole time