Life is like having a brazilian wax. The more times you have the carpet ripped out from under you, the less painful it gets.
You Might Also Like
Me: Rest assured I will go to the grave with your secret.
Pat: Thank you.
Me: Unfortunately so will my golfing buddies.
I have a black belt in leather
“We have an idea for a video game. Picture a big gorilla on top of some metal framing hurling barrels at a plumber.”
That could not make any less sense. What’s the gorillas first name
“Donkey”
Architect: so for the bathroom-
Contractor: I’m thinking the most smooth, slippery tile imaginable
Architect: hell ya we want that baby to be a death trap
What time will the Easter candy be discounted?
CVS: Mam, please stop calling us. We don’t know yet.
Ok. I’ll call back later.
“I didn’t go to grad school to assemble agenda folios for the quarterly board meeting” I think as I drizzle Dawn into the CEO’s coffee pot.
Only rings I’m interested in are made from onions.
No one:
Absolutely no one:
My 5yo: I wanna know how people break out of jail.
*sucks stomach in for entire 3 year relationship*
gf: I wanna break up
*flops stomach out*
me: finally
This will be our daughter’s first year trick or treating and the goal is to get her to collect all the candy for us and then immediately forget it exists
An egg looks at another egg and says:
“Why are you so hairy?”
“Shut up, I’m a kiwi!”
#RubbishJokes #TuesdayVibe
I just saw a couple walking and they both had ankle monitors, which just goes to show that there’s someone for everybody.
[courtroom]
JUDGE: “In the case of the State vs Waldo, Jury- how do you find the defendant?”
LEAD JUROR: “…we uh…haven’t yet”
I’ve discovered I can turn invisible, but it’s involuntary and only works on bartenders.
[first day as a soldier]
ME: whoa i almost stepped on a land grenadeSARGE: mine
ME: whoa i almost stepped on your land grenade
MOTHRA: try this, its crunchy & juicy
GODZILA: i cant, im on a…low-car diet
MOTHRA: o ha ha like low-carb
GODZILA: ha ha
HUMANS IN CAR: AHHH
telling my wife that netflix is voice enabled and watching her scream “I’M STILL HERE!” repeatedly at the television has maybe been the greatest five minutes of my life
hey there, delilah. what’s it like in new york city? i’m not personally attracted to you, i just have a general interest in cities
Jello shots because who doesn’t like adding a lot of work and time to taking a shot…
*peels off yoga pants to reveal even yogier pants*
[being strangled]
me: wait stop
murderer: what
me: did u wash your hands
Doc: I have bad news about your test results
Me: oh man did I fail
Doc: not that kind of test
Me: so I passed?
Doc: no but you will in a week
If you see a cat with a dart in it, that’s my cat and I need him back, we aren’t done yet.
firemen keep harvesting my cat tree
HOW TO SURVIVE A BEAR ATTACK:
STEP 1: buy a recliner
STEP 2: buy some beer
STEP 3: stay home and watch tv instead of going into the woods
I need a man who talks as fast as Kevin Hart. I got shit to do.
I hate when you lose all that progress you made at the gym by going 6-7 years between workouts.
*goes into Lowe’s for a can of paint*
*leaves with $200 worth of Girl Scout cookies*
My kid: “Mommy, can you teach me how to pick a lock?”
Me, on the other side of the bathroom door: “No.”
I just violently threw up for 6 minutes and now my coworkers think I’m the lead singer of Creed.