There are three types of people:
1. Annoying people
2. Annoying people I am sleeping with
3. People I haven’t met
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just tried to put my phone in my pocket when i was wearing a towel so things are going great
I love getting phone calls telling me I won a prize for a contest I didn’t enter 🙄
Mario Kart:
1) stays in first place for 3 laps
2) gets passed by 5 people at last second
3) slams controller
4) quits job
5) divorces wife
A fun thing to do is scream “JENGA!” and yank a ladder out from under somebody.
Catwoman’s full name is Catherine Woman.
I was having a political fight with someone on Twitter while my dog was out back barking at the wind.
Then we switched.
How much for the soul sucker?
Sir, that’s a baby
WIFE: he never compromises
ME: look, Sean Bean is either pronounced Shawn Bonn or Seen Bean it can’t be both
THERAPIST: (nodding) he’s right
Your first instinct is gonna to be to spell “leopard” and “deaf” correctly. You’re going to want to resist that. – Best band manager ever.
Found a great app on my phone that I’d forgotten about that shows what you’ll look like as an old person.
It’s called “Camera”.
Him: so you like bad boys?
Me: of course not
Him: oh. but your tinder profile sa-
Me: -wait just a minute [my dog leaves the room] ok he’s gone. no that was a lie, I totally do
Good looking cop: do you know how fast you were going?
Me fluttering eyelashes:
How fast did you want me to be going?
Can’t. I’m outside getting free lasik surgery.
Wife: what are you watching?
Me: See II
Wife: don’t you mean Saw II?
Me: not till it’s over
My four year old has informed me that he doesn’t want us to get a lion. Not because they’re deadly predators, but because he’s allergic to cats and thinks a lion would make him sneeze too much. I’m just glad we discussed it before I went shopping.
What is a good name for a nun in Heaven?
If you guessed “Heaven nun” or “Angel nun” you’re wrong.
The answer is “Nun of the Above”.
If a Zombie Apocalypse happened today they’d all starve to death.
Naked and Afraid but it’s just me wandering around the house at night looking for the source of the sound in my dream that woke me
The problem with movies, today, is that Shrek isn’t in all of them.
Google “cat”. Tap paw.
– just do it!!
instead of meal prepping on sundays, have u considered taking an impromptu and cost ineffective trip to the grocery store every single day of the week?
Satan won’t really know what hell is until I turn up with my whistle.
Me: *practices best man speech while shaving in front of mirror*
Driver’s ed instructor: stop the car
“For a really awkward time, call me.”
-me, leaving my number on bathroom stalls.
Pitching “Oppenheimer’s Dream House.”
[Date]
Her: you’re a twin too?! what does your brother do?
Me: *trying to hide that I keep him in a medically-induced coma in case I need his organs* not much
Her: …
Me: you see I keep him in a medically-induced coma in case I need his organs
ME: Cauliflower is bullshit.
EXECUTIONER: Those are really gonna be your last words?
A moment of silence please. Not for anyone in particular, everyone just shut up.
Spring of Deception
BRITISH PEOPLE: so, shoe sizes go up in halves to 13 and then start again at 1. Women’s clothes go up in 2s but using only even numbers. Height is in feet made up of 12 inches and weight is in stones made up of 14…
ALIEN: are there any smarter animals we can talk to?