I’m a club photographer, I take pictures at the club and people pay me to delete them
Life is not a FAIRY TALE.
If you lose your shoes 👟👞
YOU ARE DRUNK
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I’m sick of this one horse town
*moves to two horse town*
No, no, this is too much
Girlfriend: Did you get all the dishes?
Her (actual) boyfriend: I think so
Me: *from the bushes outside* You missed a cup, Todd
I had a long list of important things that I had to get done today. I lucked out, I can’t find it. Anyone free for lunch?
I have a bad feeling I’ll be wearing one of those barrels with suspenders by the end of the year, but not in a fun, whimsical way.
Guy cut me off & I shouted, “you are unable to pleasure your wife. OR HUSBAND.” Cause he needs to know I’m angry, yet progressive.
I would rather weave a suit out of my grandfather’s pubic hair than “pull an all-nighter” with you.
I’ve had 6 cups of coffee and am about to shave my pet cactus
Ari Aster: spends years making a deeply disturbing film
[gently brushes your hair out of your face]
“You’re gonna be so pissed when you wake up and see your haircut,” I whisper