@eugene_bosco

Life is not a FAIRY TALE.
If you lose your shoes 👟👞
at midnight,
YOU ARE DRUNK

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@shutupmikeginn

I’m a club photographer, I take pictures at the club and people pay me to delete them

@fightforfood

I’m sick of this one horse town
*moves to two horse town*
No, no, this is too much

@ThugRaccoons

Girlfriend: Did you get all the dishes?

Her (actual) boyfriend: I think so

Me: *from the bushes outside* You missed a cup, Todd

@3sunzzz

I had a long list of important things that I had to get done today. I lucked out, I can’t find it. Anyone free for lunch?

@FuckabillyRex

I have a bad feeling I’ll be wearing one of those barrels with suspenders by the end of the year, but not in a fun, whimsical way.

@MrsTomServo

Guy cut me off & I shouted, “you are unable to pleasure your wife. OR HUSBAND.” Cause he needs to know I’m angry, yet progressive.

@trevso_electric

I would rather weave a suit out of my grandfather’s pubic hair than “pull an all-nighter” with you.

@Mr_Kapowski

[gently brushes your hair out of your face]

“You’re gonna be so pissed when you wake up and see your haircut,” I whisper