I visited my mother today. She thumped her dog on the nose for growling. My childhood makes a lot more sense now.
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Thanksgiving regret: no one at dinner wanted to talk about why the family members on TV’s “Dinosaurs” were all different species of dinosaur
DOG: [looking out the window] wat a beautiful mornimg! the sky is grey, the grass is grey, the birds are grey and readey to eat,
I’m normally not a jealous person, but I wouldn’t mind switching places with the astronauts that were just launched out of Earth’s atmosphere.
Body: we’re going to bed
Brain: that doesn’t mean we’re going to sleep
Why run with scissors when you can run with bananas which are far less dangerous and also tasty snacks.
A facial recognition program, but one that matches your Tupperware container to its lid.
—How do you care for your mental health?
Me with my best frens:
Genius idea!!
Reasons to have a landline phone:
1. To find your cell phone when it’s missing
2. See reason #1
i don’t trust someone who says their ideal date is a “hike”
I hate to say “I told you so”, so Im going to sing it.
Apparently Mr. Neeson’s “particular set of skills” is terrible at keeping his family from getting kidnapped.
Friend: Get anything for Valentine’s Day?
Me: Chocolate-covered strawberries and wine.
Friend: Did you get him anything?
Me: No, I spent all my money on my strawberries and wine.
wow it’s a good thing this mug says “COFFEE” on it, I was about to wear it like a hat
My hair is 100% organic, but it has been tested on animals. Portions may have been used to drape over cats’ heads to make little wigs.
My coworker Tim fell down the stairs and nobody laughed when I yelled “TIMBERRRRRR”
FINE!!
So I misread the ad
Apparently, The Cartel doesn’t NEED a drug snuggler
If cauliflower can be pizza and zucchini can be noodles then you too can be anything you want.
Cop: you know why I pulled you over?
Me: cause you wanted to see how tall I am?
C: step out of the car, sir.
Me: see, I told ya.
I was just outsmarted by a revolving door but sure, I’ll be your baby’s godmother.
WIFE: You’re embarrassing, ridiculous and an ill informed pseudo intellectual.
ME: “Your”
2 friends and I once pulled the 3 kids in a trenchcoat trick & killed a man got tried as an adult but when they hung mike, paul & I fell out
You don’t know terror until your kids drive and you’re paying their car insurance.
[posing for mugshot]
“now turn forward”
[flash]
lemme see
Proud to be the guy that got my local park to introduce a “Don’t barbecue the ducks” rule.
1. Go to police station 2. Say a gang mugged you 3. Describe your own relatives to police sketch artist 4. Claim free family portrait
I used to give my co-workers nicknames based on their most dominant features, like ‘Loves Abortions Brenda’ or ‘Eats Her Feelings Julie’.
Listen, I’m not gonna lie, I think if someone wanted to murder me they could just leave a trail of cubed cheddar and I’d follow it to my demise
angel: so what are plants gonna eat, since they can’t move to find food?
god: *blows massive line* they’ll eat the sun
Me: [Sits down to eat breakfast]
Girlfriend: Babe, you forgot the French Toast
Me: Oh sorry [raises glass] VIVE LA FRANCE!