FRIEND: Hey, how are you doing?
ME (who goes to a lot of concerts): Wooooo.
Life is not like a box of chocolates. Life is more like opening the freezer and having everything fall onto you.
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Did Adam and Eve have bellybuttons?
*reason #42 why I can’t fall asleep
I’ve always wanted to buy 2 coffees, take them to a crime scene & while handing 1 to the officer in charge ask, “So, what do we have here?”
“Hey, we’re wearing the same shoes,” I say to a teenager, ruining her day.
DR: your IQ test results are abysmal
ME: is… is that good?
[Taylor Swift on toilet, going #2. Kanye jumps out of her shower]
“Yo, Taylor- I’m really happy for you & I’m-a let you finish, but…”
God: Finally a day of rest. I could really use a chicken sandwich and a milkshake.
*walks up to Chick-fil-A*
OH COME ON!!
My daughter labeled me BIRTH GIVER in her phone. I’m thinking about labeling her THANKS FOR WHAT YOU DID TO MY BODY.
When my wife dressed up as Catwoman, I didn’t know it’d mean she’d quit her job, sleep 23 hrs a day and spend the other hour licking herself
*goes through crush’s phone when he dies*
*gets out ouija board*
“who is Emma”