Life is not like a box of chocolates. Life is more like opening the freezer and having everything fall onto you.

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FRIEND: Hey, how are you doing?

ME (who goes to a lot of concerts): Wooooo.


Did Adam and Eve have bellybuttons?

*reason #42 why I can’t fall asleep


I’ve always wanted to buy 2 coffees, take them to a crime scene & while handing 1 to the officer in charge ask, “So, what do we have here?”


“Hey, we’re wearing the same shoes,” I say to a teenager, ruining her day.


[Taylor Swift on toilet, going #2. Kanye jumps out of her shower]
“Yo, Taylor- I’m really happy for you & I’m-a let you finish, but…”


God: Finally a day of rest. I could really use a chicken sandwich and a milkshake.
*walks up to Chick-fil-A*


My daughter labeled me BIRTH GIVER in her phone. I’m thinking about labeling her THANKS FOR WHAT YOU DID TO MY BODY.


When my wife dressed up as Catwoman, I didn’t know it’d mean she’d quit her job, sleep 23 hrs a day and spend the other hour licking herself


*goes through crush’s phone when he dies*

*gets out ouija board*

“who is Emma”