My favorite part about reading The New Yorker in public is looking around to make sure people see I’m reading The New Yorker in public.
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Protip: Never underestimate the number of sticky notes on your desk when trying to appear busy at work.
When a woman says “WHAT did you just say?” say something different.
Since I’m not a doctor, my Indian mom is rage thanking the medical professionals
[the city, seeing a marching band]
DAD: Son when you grow up, would you be the savior of the broken, the beaten and the damned?
ME: i’m 6
[3 AM]
5yo: *sobbing* Daddy
Me: Ughhh..yes, sweetheart, what’s wrong?
5yo: I’m lonely…
Me: Then, don’t ever get married.
5yo: Ok, Daddy.
I should go back to school –> I should take an online course –> I should watch tutorials on YouTube –> I should watch news bloopers on YouTube –> I’m hungry
Me: My son’s goldfish died. What should I do?
Him: Just flush him down the toilet
Me: Gotcha. And the fish?
Does anyone know any herbal remedies for worthlessness?
[home depot]
ME: do you have marble counters?
CLERK: sure, in the back of aisle 9
ME: oh thank god [carrying 2 huge buckets of marbles] I keep losing count around 1,000
Waiter: May I take your order?
Yes, roll over and play dead!
Waiter: It’s not that kind of order.
Oh. Sorry. I’ll have the cheese sticks.
“We’re taking it to another level.”
-escalators
Tired of not knowing if I should swipe my credit card, insert the chip or punch myself in the face.
Withholding sex from you people isn’t working.
Me: What’s your name please?
Customer: Hal
Me: I never met a Hal What’s that short for?
Customer: Harold
Me: I’m gonna go ahead and write Hallelujah
Boss: Could you ever just don’t?
Employment is basically an arranged marriage with your coworkers.
I once got a ride home from the pizza guy by ordering 1 pizza to be delivered to the bar and 1 to my house. Pretty sure i deserve an award.
God created women and the devil taught her to smile.
acme was just mailing bombs and rockets and shit to a dog
Hey, guy in Prius blasting heavy metal – decide which type of annoying person you want to be.
What is the deal with airplane food?
Seriously, I’m trying to feed this thing and I don’t know what airplanes eat.
I once read the words “You have bewitched me body and soul” but your eggplant emoji is nice too.
I can clear that with ease, Elsie! Frankly, your lack of confidence is insulting.
20 seconds later:
Speaking in rhyme seems perfectly natural for a serial killer, but is quite unnerving when my proctologist does it.
The Spy Who Loved Me But Wasn’t, Like, IN Love With Me #RejectedBondTitles
I dunno man, I think if Ariel saw this version of the human world she’d have jumped back into the ocean with or without her mermaid tail.
Picking a Xmas gift for your wife is hard, so I’ve decided to deplete our bank account, fake my own death & move to Thailand
She’ll love it
Darth Vader: *chops of Luke’s hand* You underestimated what I’d do if you touched the thermostat!
Luke: Wait, you’re my dad?
Don’t let the door hit you on the way out!
*guy looks back and laughs, the door punches him in the back of the head*
Called in telepathically this morning, so they know I’m thinking of them.