Life is short. Beat it up and steal its lunch money.
You Might Also Like
[Witches Kitchen]
Mama: I made you a birthday cake and I used pig blood so it’s nice and moist
Daughter: wow okay that’s gross
Mama: what, I thought you liked pig blood?
Daughter: oh I do, but stop saying moist
Me: Why do you love me?
Wife: *shrugs*
Me: Why do you find me annoying?
Wife: *reveals six spreadsheets and a pie chart*
If I were Australian I’d tweet “OMG Mayan zombies eating my brain.” Then sit back & cuddle a kangaroo & look super sexy while U.S. freaked.
if you have dark hair you literally can’t get a bob and not look like lord farquaad from shrek. it’s impossible ive tried it so many times.
Date: So what do you do for fun?
Me: [Flashes back to me tightly strapping a Rolex around a quail]
I love bird watching.
There are 2 words that have opened a lot of doors for me in my life.
Push and Pull.
I saw my friend’s kids at Walmart and they told me they were lost and I was like “good luck guys” and walked away. I’d be a great mother.
Jesus: so just a dinner with the boys?
Judas:
Jesus died for our sins.
But then he came back to life.
Pretty sure that breaks the deal.
You can’t embarrass me. My parents practiced disco dancing in our living room while my friends were over.
I didn’t marry until my thirties because I wanted to sow some wild oats.
In hindsight, I wish I’d spent some of that time having sex with women instead.
WIFE: [holding newborn baby] Ive never been so proud of anything in my life
ME:[thinking about that one time I drew a perfect giraffe] same
Hey middle-aged people who suddenly change your first name–screw you. I’m calling you what I’ve been calling you for the last 10 years.
[emptying spam]
ME: Why do I have so much canned meat?
After getting married, my wife used to joke that she will now have sex with only one person for the rest of her life.
Turns out she was talking about her boyfriend.
this sky deity is putting off some real “nah, I’m good” energy
GIRL: There are these two black holes that collided & released more energy than a trillion stars
ME: Damn that sucks. I would never do that
Be nice to your family. They get to pick the picture that will be in your obituary.
11,780 cans of beans on the wall…
I’ve always wanted a monkey, so I bought one at auction today.
I’ve had him about an hour now.
Anyway….. Monkey for Sale.
You know how people play video games by pushing all the buttons at once?
That’s how I’m handling adulthood.
*christopre walken givig tour of apt* this is my.. walken closet. and these boots. these boots were made.. *long unecesary pause* for walken
Parenthood is so weird. I don’t know why I say thank you to my 3yo every time she gives me her booger.
my wife and I watching Popeye together but she covers my eyes during the scary bits (when he goes all bulgy and gets belligerent)
Cop: Why were you speeding?
Me: SHE’S IN LABOR!
Cop: That’s a beach ball in a wig.
Me:
Cop:
Me: I don’t think I’m the father.
Cop: Get out.
My boss says that I have some exciting new assignments coming, whoa buddy, I will be the judge of that.
Can we stop screwing around and make Pringles cans big enough to fit an entire hand? We have the technology
I wish I gave Darth Vader different last words.
Before he died, I wanted him to mutter, “I should have stuck to pod racing.”
If they ban straws, that means I can no longer flirtatiously blow the straw wrapper at my date and that is literally my only move.
Son, I found some drugs in your backpack
“Dad I swear they’re not mine”
DAMMIT SUSAN, THEY ARENT HIS. 1st time we were proud and you blew it