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me: and make it a double. it’s been a long night
bartender: *duct taping two Capri-Suns together*
Cover letter? Here’s my resume twice.
This hospital has everything
hello 9-1-1? my girlfriend’s been kidnapped
“stay calm sir, what’s ur girlfriend’s name”
oh she goes to another school u wouldn’t know her
Imagine a bunch of Italian mobsters tiptoeing and trying not to giggle as they gingerly place a horse head in bed with a sleeping guy.
Me: Where are the zip ties and duct tape?
Costco employee: Aisle 6
Me: [squeezing his bicep] Oooo you’re beefy. Do you guys carry chloroform?
I have never “lit up a room” unless you count arson.
I mean, if Marie Antoinette didn’t want her head cut off, maybe there should’ve been actual cake.
~ Why I was kicked off the debate team
My son played a song in the car and I actually liked it. Hell has frozen over.
I love when murder documentaries let me know that the scene they’re showing is a ‘dramatic reenactment’, like I thought a professional camera crew filmed John Wayne Gacy eating breakfast with his wife the morning after he buried a corpse under his floorboards.
I don’t forgive or forget. I make voodoo dolls.
Me: Cute baby, when was she born?
New mother: Yesterday.
Me: *opens coat filled with knock-off watches* Hey kid, I got Rolexes, 50 bucks.
My 5yo is writhing on the ground with her legs in the air screaming into a blanket while we wait for our food delivery.
It’s like looking in a mirror.
[entering the office]
Coworker: How are you?
Me: I’ve got a case of diarrhea.
Coworker: Should you get to the bathroom?
Me: No, I just need to find somewhere to put it down.
Oh that’s my brother, he has his own apartment upstairs
A few hardest things to say:
“I Was Wrong” “I Need Help”
“Worcestershire Sauce”
Wife: You’re going to be a great Dad one day
Me: And you’ll make a great Mom one day too
Son: *From the basement* WHEN
Overheard at the pool:
Grandma: what do you want the baby to be? a brother or sister?
*long pause*
3 year old: a cat
My parents were always subverting gender norms. Mom grilled. Dad watched lifetime movies. Both wept when I left the lasagna out all night.
[wedding day of the girl that got away]
any reason why these two shouldn’t be married, speak now or forev[sound of a dirt bike approaching]
Me: *making toast at wedding*
Bride: hey those presents weren’t for you
[At the Rumble]
her *aggressively taking off earrings and heels*
me *desperately trying to find somewhere to set down my ice cream cone*
[reading of my fathers will]
Lawyer: and I bequeath to my son $100k as-
Me: heh, bequeath
Lawyer: long as that immature vomit fondler doesn’t laugh at the word ‘bequeath’
Me: he didn’t even have $100k, did he?
Lawyer: no, he just knew
Leftist: Abolish prison
Me (realising that would make a Con Air sequel impossible): Hold on a minute
I will flirt with you but honestly neither of us will have any idea it’s happening
I have some overdue fees at the library, if you’re into bad boys.
I just lifted a couch to retrieve a Skittle that fell underneath it, so I get you Moms that lift cars to rescue children, I get you.
Happy 3rd birthday to the yogurt in my refrigerator
What they don’t tell you about bathing in the blood of your enemies is your body hair is a light magenta for like the next 3 or 4 days. Ugh.
For someone, somewhere, today is the last day they will have 10 fingers.