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Me at 5 p.m.: One cup of coffee won’t keep me from sleeping tonight.
Me at 2 a.m.:
When I asked for my wife’s hand in marriage, I didn’t realize how often I’d just get the finger.
Cashier: Your total is $2,334.00.
Me: Can you take off the avocado?
Cashier: Okay, that will be $2.00.
Make a dating service for introverts and call it Mumble
I found a dog in a toilet.
It’s a poodle.
“I’ll have a caramel macchiato, hold the espresso & milk.”
“Miss, that’s just a cup of caramel sauce.”
“You heard me.”
*pops the hood*
“Looks like the timing nut is gone on yer muffler belt”
.. Umm r u sure you work here?
*lifts eye brow, moustache falls off*
Why did a spider just crawl out of the pants that I’ve been wearing all day?
WHY DID A SPIDER JUST CRAWL OUT OF THE PANTS THAT I’VE BEEN WEARING ALL DAY?!
So tired of every man on dating apps saying they’re looking for someone spontaneous. Sir I have anxiety and a career I need a plan.
Me to my husband: “Don’t worry, he’s only 2, he’ll forget about wanting ice cream for dinner if we don’t bring it up.”
My 2yo: “Behold, mother, there is the exact space Grandma parked in when she drove me to this playground 3 weeks ago; I was clad in my green Stegosaurus shirt”
I just accidentally dropped a bit of sausage on the floor and the dog immediately swooped in and hoovered it up, which amazed me because I had no idea she knew how to operate it.
I didn’t spend 8 years designing this hotel so I could listen to a bunch of touristy complaints about the small cameras inside the toilets.
9 yo me: wow I love my public library yes I’d like to check out 14 novels that are above my reading level. Be back next week
Me now: wow I love my public library yes I would like to check out one—I believe it’s called a Bööke? I will be back in 3-5 business months
Once saw a mortgage application where a guy put his job description as “self employed street pharmacist”
I think about that a lot
Don’t text and drive. Just pull over until you’re done using your phone. That’s what I do. I’ve been on the side of the road since 2011.
OPTOMETRIST: Better or worse? Better or worse?
ME: You don’t *have* to talk during sex
A Pringles Tube but for Donuts
[gas station]
me: fill her up
him: that’ll be $20
me: *taking the money* thanks
Eats one handful of popcorn. Spends next 4 years flossing.
I’m single in quarantine and just found a box of googly eyes. I’m going to place them on objects around the house because I miss social anxiety.
*accidentally walks into lion’s den
*goes back to party in lion’s living room
The year is 2200. All fossil fuels are depleted. Our only source for coal is Santa Claus. Everyone must be naughty for the sake of mankind.
*uses blood from wounds to write my killer’s name on the floor*
I…will be…avenged. NO! BAD DOG! DON’T LICK THAT! DADDY NEEDS JUSTICE!
Which letter is the silent one in the word “scent?”
Is it the “S” or the “C?”
My “Not involved in human trafficking” T-shirt has people asking a lot of questions already answered by my shirt.
drew a comic about my origin story
Her: You’re so possessive.
Apostrophe: Only sometimes, Brenda.
There are two kinds of dog owners. Those that have tried their dog’s treats and those that are lying.
Waiting for a mannequin with a gut so I can really see how that shirt will look on me.
Guarantees in life:
1) death
2) taxes
3) me pulling the handle of your car door at the same moment you try to unlock it