ME: Let’s go get some chicks
[later]
FRIEND: This isn’t what I had in mind
ME: Shhh *carefully places tophat on baby chicken* this is Abe
You Might Also Like
found out about a magic tournement where a guy on shrooms won the whole thing and can’t get over this pic they took of the top 8
JUDGE: That THING cannot enter
ME: But Inky is my pet
OCTOPUS IN AN ASTRONAUT’S HELMET FILLED WITH WATER:*squirts ink at him*
INKY NOOOOo
My dog, introducing himself to our neighbor’s dog. I’m not gonna tell him.
Stop destroying the earth. This is where I keep all my stuff.
I’ve been waiting for the perfect time to change my Netflix password so my ex can’t use it anymore and it doesn’t really get much better than a national lockdown
Do a little dance, make a little love, pay child support.
“A car I’ve never seen before just parked outside. We’re gonna die CAN YOU HEAR ME Jesus Christ you’re not listening to me I said…”
– Dogs
When a woman asks you to smell something, it usually smells good.
Men on the other hand…
As much as I love making terrible science puns I understand why they need to be periodically tabled
Me: *sits still 90% of my day by choice* This is nice.
Also me: *stuck in traffic* You mean I just have to SIT here?!’
My daughter just told me that she’s the boss of me, and when I tried to respectfully disagree she said “don’t you dare talk to your boss like that”
“i’m going to give them a piece of my mind” no you should hang onto those you’re running out
Recipe for homemade charcoal:
1. Put dinner in the oven.
2. Sit down to check one quick thing on the internet…
I need a thingy to fix the thingy because the thingy came loose and the thingy is wiggly now. Do you sell those?
-Me, at Home Depot
Please don’t forget what Christmas is really about.
Asking your 30 year old cousin when she’s going to start having babies.
I’m sorry…what?
Get in the van!
me?…*winks* OK, It will be unpleasant, but worth it- hey! Where are you going?!
*jogs after van*
You can tell it’s laundry day because I’m wearing flippers and a Viking helmet
This is enough internet for the day.
Our descendants will have smart toilets that will alert them to internal illnesses and trends in their diets just from their daily constitutional. I’m so glad I’ll be dead by then.
Women can detect even the smallest of lies, but on TV they tell them they can lose 20 pounds in 5 days and they believe it all.
GF: “You’re cute when you’re drunk”
Me: “You’re cute when I’m drunk too”
*sadly removes MY KID IS AN HONOR STUDENT bumper sticker and replaces it with MY KID SUCKS AT FORTNITE*
Went to a humanist wedding a few weeks ago. One of the lovely things was the rings being passed round during the ceremony, allowing us all to make a wish for the couple as we held them. After, asked my son what he’d wished for. He replied, “I misunderstood & wished for a puppy.”
Pig: will we be friends forever?
Winnie the bear: no
Pig: friends until we die?
Winnie the bear: friends until I learn how to make sausages
[Interview]
Me: Oh! The time I ate 1/2 a giant birthday cookie cake between the store & home!
Boss: I meant impressive JOB accomplishment.
Hypnotist: you’re feeling very sleepy
Parents: omg yes
by this time next year, Ariana Grande’s eyelashes will be so long that male peacocks will challenge her for dominance
wife: you’re drunk
me: I’m not the one who’s all blurry Carol
life coach: be the best version of yourself
me: I am
life coach: hahaha wait are you serious