@Staggfilms

Life is short. Take risks. Run with scissors. Dance with scissors like nobody’s watching. Stop waiting for tomorrow to do cool shit with scissors.

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@M3lissaMcDonald

I just spent the last four hours connecting all of my watches together to make a belt.

Complete waist of time.

@PedersenAhmed

My neighbours were loud and rowdy last night til 3:30, waking up our kids.

So now my husband is outside starting up the leaf blower and table saw at 9am, in case you wondered what middle class suburban feuds in Canada looked like.

@SkippyMcGizzard

I’m starting to suspect that all these women with “princess” on their license plate frames are not really princesses at all.

@Mom_Overboard

Him [sexy voice]: let’s do it on the couch

Me: ew babe no that’s where we eat

@DirtMcTurd

Wait, so hallways in mental institutions aren’t called psychopaths? Well they should be.

@AntozWolf

“I’m having a public meltdown!!” – A Snowman, maybe.

@just1fool

If you’re looking for someone to tell you what to do in the bedroom I’m pretty good at instructing on how to install window blinds.

@FU_TangClan

Me: You ever have conversations in your head?

Me: No.

Me: Me neither