Life is short. Take risks. Run with scissors. Dance with scissors like nobody’s watching. Stop waiting for tomorrow to do cool shit with scissors.
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I told my therapist that I’m a whore. He disagreed and said I’m a people pleaser, so I blew him just to make sure we’re on the same page.
Me having sex is like bungee jumping.
It’s either amazing, or someone gets seriously injured.
There is no in between.
*accidentally summons malevolent demon at a séance*
I WILL HAUNT YOUR HOME FOREVER!
[4 days later]
YOU KNOW, YOU COULD CLEAN UP OCCASIONALLY
Why do I “need” an assault rifle? Why did Rosa Parks “need” to sit in the front of the bus? Because Merica, that’s why.
Me: *travels back to 1980*
Me: *watches my parents bring me home after birth, tears up*
Me: *watches mom trip and drop me on my head*
Me: That actually explains a lot.
If I knew I’d have this many brain cells left, I would have partied a little harder in my twenties.
“Some say I have a drinking problem”
*pours glass of water on lap*
Kid: Mommy what time is it?
Me{Showering}: Go look at the clock
*Kid walks past daddy
*Looks at clock
*Walks back past daddy
Kid: Theres a 2 & a 9 & a 8
Me: Which is first?
*Kid walks past daddy
*Looks at clock
Kid: Now theres 2 nines
Me: It’s 9:..
Kid: WAIT LET ME CHECK AGAIN!
Inside Out 2:
The girl enters puberty.
Her emotions get out of control.
She goes Goth.
Sadness murders the other emotions in their sleep
🎶Row, row, Robocop
Gently down the stream
Directive one: Uphold the law
I am part machine🎶
me in 1997: i can’t wait for the future when microsoft word fixes all the issues and it becomes a more user-friendly piece of software
me in 2023: any day now probably
Show your neighbor they shouldn’t park their boat outside of their house by filling it with two of every animal.
Ok, but like, how married are you?
Rt to bother an English speaker
You know how dogs think, when you leave, that you’re never coming back? That’s how I feel when I leave the house for work every morning.
I’m a lady on the streets but a silly fake ghost in the sheets
incredible
My friend’s 6-year-old was being obnoxious.
The mature thing to do was to tell him to settle down.
I challenged him to a rap battle.
Robber: *is literally robbing my house*
My dog: pls mister robber pet my belly pls
Imitation is the sincerest form of crabmeat.
Dear trick-or-treaters: Would it kill you to say “thank you” when I hand you a freshly made egg salad sandwich?
Hear me out, a Barbie whose hair color changes to gray everytime a child screams.
it’s so important we compare women to other women because in the end, as we all know, there can only be one woman
Dating is just wondering why some people are single and figuring it out.
Heard a rival dad in the neighborhood was handing out full size candy bars so now every trick-or-treater that comes to my door is getting an entire rotisserie chicken.
Me “I AM THE CHOSEN ONE!”
Wife “Don’t be so dramatic. Everyone gets jury duty sometime”.
*steps on Lego*
*stumbles backwards and trips over more Legos*
*throws all Legos away*
*Grandparents buy more Legos for Christmas*
I’m not an agoraphobe, I’m deeply in love with my stuff
Open your mind…
DEAR GOD CLOSE IT CLOSE IT CLOSE IT