Life is short. Write that novel. Paint that painting. Try new recipes. Learn black magic. Go into the forest at night. Summon a demon. Earn that demon’s trust. Become best friends with it. Brag to everyone else about your new cool demon best friend. Knit that sweater.
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If I could time travel, I’d grab English major me in college & say, “Look, books will nourish your soul but take an appliance repair class.”
WIFE: I got us this new candle
ME: sweet. What flavor is it?
W: don’t you mean ‘what scent is it?’
ME (with a mouthful of candle wax): What?
PET PEEVE: Why do we call them baby names? They’re HUMAN NAMES. They don’t expire as you grow up.
All Virgos care about is food and like 2 other people.
My smart washer was hacked by the Russians so I couldn’t do laundry today, at least that’s what I’m going to tell her.
Marvellous mathematical takedown of a Motivational Poster
I stared out at my shrubs for a nice long while, trying to figure out how a giant board got lodged in them, before I realized that it was just a reflection of the box behind me in the living room. I need to lie down.
If only the workout your thumbs get from scrolling on your phone would go to your abs.
I asked the Librarian if she had any books about Paranoia?
She leaned over and whispered “they’re right behind you … ”.
PILOT: sorry for the delay, everyone. we’ll make up some time in the air
[1 hr later]
PILOT: it is now 67:91 o’clock guys
MTV has ordered a reality show to follow a group of virgins. That sounds very interesting and riveting and get that camera out of my face.
My toddler is pretty particular about the brand of chicken nuggets I offer her for somebody who just ate a crayon.
Laser hair removal? That’s dumb. If I had laser hair, I’d keep it.
If I’m ever in jail my one call is going to be to the Koolaid guy.
Cop: Do you have any drugs in the car?
Me: Nope, payday isn’t until Thursday.
What they don’t tell you about bathing in the blood of your enemies is your body hair is a light magenta for like the next 3 or 4 days. Ugh.
In California, there’s just “pot” at the end of the rainbow.
Type out “My best quality is” and then let predictive text finish it! I’ll start
“My best quality is I am a worthy vessel for the demon lord Paimon who will bring about a new age of darkness. All will suffer his wrath and despair” haha so random
HER: DM me later, okay?
ME: Okay.
*later*
ME: *sends her a message* Your party, weary from your travels, gather at the tavern in the hamlet of Oakwood. A friendly barkeep serves drinks to the townsfolk as a traveling bard takes the stage. Go ahead and introduce your character.
I got myself into this mess, and I can get myself further into this mess.
I just dropped my pen on the public restroom floor.
I’ll miss that pen.
{at sports arena}
*kiss cam pans to me just as I take a huge bite of a hotdog
Me: *panics and seductively licks mustard off my lips.
Soooo….. This what yall be doing huh🤣 🤣
He died doing what he loved — screaming for help and punching a bear.
I woke up this morning feeling ever so confident that today was the day I would commit myself to physical fitness.
Right after I finish this bacon, egg, and cheese McGriddle.
Reminder: Before taking your first bite into a fast food sandwich you need to redistribute the pickles.
An Ontario woman completed a 40,000 piece puzzle, one of the largest in the world. And she’s VERY pissed no one told her the pandemic is over.
Canadian Tinder users are 56% male, 44% female and 33% holding a fresh trout
All those Tarot cards and not one person at Burning Man saw this coming.
Critical people b like: I’m not critical, I can just see faults better.