@meaganbb1

Life is so much funnier when you have a dirty mind

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@ArfMeasures

ME: I was having a juice cleanse between 6 & 8 p.m
COP: You don’t need an alibi, you’re not a suspect
ME: I know, I’m just telling everyone

@copymama

My 5yo just came out of bed saying she yawned so hard her blankets came off, and honestly that’s like, groundbreaking work in the bedtime excuses field.

@3sunzzz

Hi. This is my first time at yoga. When I called they said to bring a Matt. *points at man standing next to her* Now what do we do with him?

@ozzyunc

Don’t give ghosts money. They use it for boos.

@dmc1138

Apparently this dude at the mall was just tying his shoe and did NOT want to play leap frog. My bad, dude. My bad.

@BellesJar

Friends with an ex?

I don’t even want to be friends with my friends.

@pienar

texting my crush “hey infant” instead of baby so they know i’m smart and regularly use my thesaurus

@SvnSxty

dm room: tell your dad we say happy birthday!

Me: dad, my internet friends say happy birthday

Dad: internet people aren’t real friends

Me: *to dm room* he says thanks