@meaganbb1
@ArfMeasures
ME: I was having a juice cleanse between 6 & 8 p.m
COP: You don’t need an alibi, you’re not a suspect
ME: I know, I’m just telling everyone
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@ArfMeasures
@copymama
My 5yo just came out of bed saying she yawned so hard her blankets came off, and honestly that’s like, groundbreaking work in the bedtime excuses field.
@LocalEmoMom
the gender neutral term for sugar daddy is glucose guardian
@3sunzzz
Hi. This is my first time at yoga. When I called they said to bring a Matt. *points at man standing next to her* Now what do we do with him?
@ozzyunc
Don’t give ghosts money. They use it for boos.
@dmc1138
Apparently this dude at the mall was just tying his shoe and did NOT want to play leap frog. My bad, dude. My bad.
@BellesJar
Friends with an ex?
I don’t even want to be friends with my friends.
@pienar
texting my crush “hey infant” instead of baby so they know i’m smart and regularly use my thesaurus
@SvnSxty
dm room: tell your dad we say happy birthday!
Me: dad, my internet friends say happy birthday
Dad: internet people aren’t real friends
Me: *to dm room* he says thanks
@AnnyPopenny
NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOoooooooooooooooooooooooo!!!
