Life is so much funnier when you have a dirty mind

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ME: I was having a juice cleanse between 6 & 8 p.m
COP: You don’t need an alibi, you’re not a suspect
ME: I know, I’m just telling everyone


My 5yo just came out of bed saying she yawned so hard her blankets came off, and honestly that’s like, groundbreaking work in the bedtime excuses field.


Hi. This is my first time at yoga. When I called they said to bring a Matt. *points at man standing next to her* Now what do we do with him?


Don’t give ghosts money. They use it for boos.


Apparently this dude at the mall was just tying his shoe and did NOT want to play leap frog. My bad, dude. My bad.


Friends with an ex?

I don’t even want to be friends with my friends.


texting my crush “hey infant” instead of baby so they know i’m smart and regularly use my thesaurus


dm room: tell your dad we say happy birthday!

Me: dad, my internet friends say happy birthday

Dad: internet people aren’t real friends

Me: *to dm room* he says thanks