The workers will arrive to install something in the kitchen. Let that sink in.
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I put my pants on just like everyone else.
When the manager at Chili’s asks me to.
if you’re on the nice list santa brings you the expensive bird seed
How I like cutting carbs
If a car depreciates as soon as you drive it off the lot then shouldn’t the price go down when you return from a test drive?
A smartphone that waits 20 seconds after you unlock before showing you notification indicators so it doesn’t distract you from going to do the thing you opened it for in the first place for so long you forget what it was.
who wants to go expliring
You lied! Santa Claus is NOT real, mom! If “mom” is even your real name…
[Neighbor to mom] hi Susan!
*kid faints*
Being a parent isn’t just a job it’s a way of life. Like coal mining, or deep sea fishing, or ice road trucking….really any job that’s actively trying to kill you.
Interviewer: where do you see yourself in 5 years.
Me: February probably.
Me: Jesus, are these… are these claw marks in the sand?
Jesus: I put you on the back of an emu lololololol
Harry Potter Diss Track
Hey Voldemort, yeah I said your name.
You’re a dude in a dress, I’m Hall of Fame.
Avada Kedavra didn’t get the job done.
You got owned by a baby, it’s over I won.
You did kill my parents, it’s true I suppose.
all I can say is where the f*%k is your nose?
Got thrown out of a funeral today for saying Bazinga during the eulogy. That’s OK; I can only pretend to be dead for so long.
Do not let #FyreFestival refugees into the country. We cannot risk it if even ONE of them has been radicalized.
The Bachelor is like “Meet Savannah from Brooklyn, Madison from Savannah, Brooklyn from Madison”
Are you watching Point Break or The Fast and the Furious?
I could be a masseuse, or I could just be pulling your leg.
COP: do you know how fast you were going
ME: no do you
COP: yes
ME: *twirls hair* what else do u know about me
I just want the courage to stick with my choice of medium sized refreshments after the cashier tells me that large is just 25 cents more.
My inner monologue 90% of the time: “I don’t get it.”
6: Daddy the floor is lava!
Me: Oh yeah? *Pushes wife off chair*
[kid watching an episode of The Flintstones for the first time]
“They made a show based on vitamins? This is dumb.”
Hi. This is my first time at yoga. When I called they said to bring a Matt. *points at man standing next to her* Now what do we do with him?
I wish mirrors and cameras would get together and figure out what I really look like.
I don’t want just any tamale. I want a goddamn tamale.
My amazing grandma cooked me some meals and this is how she labeled this one. God bless her.
I’ve never seen Die Hard but I assume it’s about a dude who dies during sex?
What if ants aren’t insects at all but are vehicles that even smaller insects drive to work?
What’s the difference between a sweet potato that you take out of an oven and a pig you throw out the window?
One is a heated yam, and the other is a yeeted ham….
As a parent I can honestly say that I don’t have a favorite child, but I do have one that’s definitely going to be the cause of my first heart attack
Whenever I see a couple doing yard work, I like the one standing by the bags of dirt who looks like they can’t quite believe they are outdoors and can’t fathom how they’ve gotten caught up in this terrible thing.