Life is stupid. You can ACCIDENTALLY make a baby but you can’t ACCIDENTALLY make a cake.
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Going to change my wifi network name to…
Someone Please Help Me
And give this neighborhood something to talk about.
When someone talks about fallen arches I never think of feet.
I assume they’re referring to the decline of the Roman Empire or a freak accident at the local McDonald’s.
That seems a conundrum…
🤔
I’m only dating bad texters from here on out.
Who knew life could be so quiet and….peaceful.
Accidentally closed a browser with 20+ tabs opened . . . this must be what the scholars of Alexandria felt when their great library burned.
My peeves aren’t pets. They’re family.
Coffee will wake you up, but have you ever tried falling down a flight of stairs?
I use my oven like my grandmother uses her cell phone – sparingly and confusedly.
My life hack? If you buy a Rubik’s cube and never touch it they’ll never know you can’t solve it.
“are you sure these x-rays are safe?”
[doctor 12 feet away behind a lead wall] you’re fine
I can’t believe I got kicked out of chess club. I didn’t realize there were rules, I just thought the pieces fought like action figures. I shouldn’t have brought Wolverine.
not sure why everyone acts like it’s so hard to make plans with your friends as an adult because my friend and I just planned our hangout tomorrow in 5 minutes and it only took us 3 months to find a day that works
One cake enters. No cake leaves.
[airport]
SON: can i yell bomb?
DAD: no.
SON: hijack?
DAD: nope.
SON: how about shitballer?
DAD: uh yeah i guess but please don’t.
Stop telling men beards alone will make women love them when everyone knows they need to play the guitar too.
[alien taking notes]
Humans: Reluctant to common sense gun control, yet somehow completely overreactive when approached by a bee.
*being dragged from the car wash*
But I only shaved one leg!
God: you’re a bird.
Penguin: yay!
God: but you can’t fly.
Penguin: why?
God: you need way more feathers to fly.
Penguin: oh. well that’s fair.
[flying squirrel glides by]
Penguin:
God: technically that’s not flying lol.
Saw a store that has a sign that reads, “We treat you like family!”
Yup, NOT going in there.
The electric toothbrush battery died but luckily my skill set allows me to use it like a manual.
Do robots dream of electric sheep?
Just saw a ‘Jesus 2020’ sign and I had no idea he was running
Me: So if a bunch of people have infections do you guys have a staph meeting?
Doctor: I’m going to give you a shot to help me relax
During dinner 10 asked 5 to imagine a world without ketchup. She hasn’t spoken in 3 hours I think he broke her
The happiest dog I ever saw was a golden retriever trotting up the street one morning with an entire pizza hanging from his mouth.
It was just before camera phones were widespread. I parked my car and watched him, then continued on to work.
If he’s a nice guy and treats you well, does it really matter what colour his Maserati is?
It was the best of times, it was the worst of times.
-Me with beer, me without beer
Him: I’m over the moon
Werewolf doctor: you’re cured
My Doberman sits on other dogs to assert dominance. I’m going to try this with my co-workers.
Pavlov’s bell, but it’s me reading an email that I think says winebar when it’s actually webinar.