Life is too short beautiful and unpredictable to not tell people how you really feel

Her: That’s so sweet, I-

Green Day is overrated


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Remember that time you found out your crush felt the same way? It’s kinda like that, but it’s just me discovering there are still Pringles in this can.


If you can’t remember my name, just say ‘donuts’. I’ll turn around and look.


I put two pairs of cargo pants in my cargo pants pockets, just in case I need more cargo pants.


If by mathematician you mean dividing the number of snacks in my car by the number of miles I need to drive, then yes, I’m a mathematician.


Her: I’m a model.
Me: You look so real!


I’m not an alcoholic, alcoholics go to meetings. I’m a drunk, we go to parties.


SUPERMAN: my nemesis is a billionaire who uses his riches to pursue his personal vendettas instead of helping people on a global scale

BATMAN: *shifts uncomfortably in chair*


I just bedazzled my twitter handle on a jean jacket in case anybody wants to beat me up in person.


A CW told me for the 50th time that her baby learned how to walk so I told her”if you really wanna impress me lmk when it learns how to fly”


Harmonicas were invented in 1932 when the worst person in the world decided he needed to organize his hot air into compartments.