@frankzulla

Life is too short beautiful and unpredictable to not tell people how you really feel

Her: That’s so sweet, I-

Green Day is overrated

Her:

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@JPLFR80

Remember that time you found out your crush felt the same way? It’s kinda like that, but it’s just me discovering there are still Pringles in this can.

@Donna_McCoy

If you can’t remember my name, just say ‘donuts’. I’ll turn around and look.

@Cheeseboy22

I put two pairs of cargo pants in my cargo pants pockets, just in case I need more cargo pants.

@garrettbarry70

If by mathematician you mean dividing the number of snacks in my car by the number of miles I need to drive, then yes, I’m a mathematician.

@Tups13

Her: I’m a model.
Me: You look so real!

@fading_roses19

I’m not an alcoholic, alcoholics go to meetings. I’m a drunk, we go to parties.

@NotLikeFreddy

SUPERMAN: my nemesis is a billionaire who uses his riches to pursue his personal vendettas instead of helping people on a global scale

BATMAN: *shifts uncomfortably in chair*

@impaulmccoy

I just bedazzled my twitter handle on a jean jacket in case anybody wants to beat me up in person.

@LoriLuvsShoes

A CW told me for the 50th time that her baby learned how to walk so I told her”if you really wanna impress me lmk when it learns how to fly”

@truegritrumble

Harmonicas were invented in 1932 when the worst person in the world decided he needed to organize his hot air into compartments.