Life is too short beautiful and unpredictable to not tell people how you really feel
Her: That’s so sweet, I-
Green Day is overrated
Her:
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Bean bag chairs are venus fly traps for anyone over 35.
me: I’m at the age where, if I drop something, I’ll just let it hit the floor instead of pulling a muscle trying to catch it
lady: can I have my baby back
Once there was a dead bat in our driveway, but he shrieked at me when I tried to pick him up and that’s how I found out dead bats are jerks.
At 2am, nothing creeps me out more than the shadowy silhouette of my 3 year old.
Why do they report on the hurricane by standing in the middle of the hurricane?
When there’s a house fire, no one reports on it from inside the house.
Handing out plastic easter eggs filled with baked beans for halloween this year.
obliviously driving m y car through chernobyl , absorbing lethal anmounts of radiation while looking for cute girls
disney ceo: live action little mermaid
animator: yep
ceo: it’s in the ocean
animator: got it
ceo: coral reefs
animator: understood
ceo: lots of fish
animator: [nose suddenly bleeding] i don’t- what is.… finsh?
Me: Go clean your room.
10: No, thanks. It’s not Mother’s Day yet.
Welcome to Passive Aggressive Club. We all got here early, but you just take your time.
Professor X: What’s your power?
Me: I can turn ice into cats.
Professor X: That’s ridiculous.
Police: [busting in] You’re all under arrest!
Me: I got this!
Polecats: Sonofa…
FRIEND: do you drive stick?
ME: no I drive car.
I don’t understand people who do things on weekends. You just did things all week. What’s next, more things?? That’s how they get you
I washed a man in Reno just to watch him dry.
So, lemme get this straight…
Scooby-Doo can talk and help solve murders, but can’t go to the store and buy himself Scooby snacks??
male coworker: how’s it hanging?
me: loose and to the left
him:
me: you’re not going to ask me that again, are you?
him: not a chance
“Daddy, how are babies made?”
“Well son, when a man and a woman have too much to drink..”
her: i hate when people overanalyze everything in movies
me: [slowly concealing my notebook filled with inconsistencies and plot holes in the toy story saga] lol yeah me too
If you try to teach me a lesson I will flunk on purpose, how dare you
1 kid: Makes you a mom.
2 kids: Makes you a maid.
3 kids: Makes you a manager.
4 (or more) kids: Makes you a magical freaking unicorn.
Me: I’m a scorpion.
Date: You mean scorpio?
Me: (clicking my claws together) No I very do not.
Directions: Allow food to sit and cool for five minutes before eating.
Me: No.
Therapist: healing isn’t linear
Me: what if I pay extra?
The average person gains 4 pounds during the holidays. Once again, I’m above average.
What the hell, Everyman Cinemas? I booked the last available seat for Tetris The Movie and the whole row disappeared.
that scene in texas chainsaw 3D where alex daddarios character who is supposed to be 40 runs away from leatherface but instead of hopping a fence or going a different direction she hops on a ferris wheel and is shocked to find out that it goes back down
*prospective pet owner interview
Dog (suspicious): Uh huh. And what exactly do you want from me in exchange for this “food” and “shelter”?
Me: Can I dip my breadstick in your Alfredo sauce?
Him: Usually it’s me asking you that.
13YO: SHUT UP. STOP IT RIGHT NOW!
hear me out- let’s have pet sitters release one harmless flying insect into your home every 2 days you’re gone to keep the pets amused
The movie ”Finding Nemo” would’ve lasted only 5 minutes if his mother would’ve looked for him.