Life is too short beautiful and unpredictable to not tell people how you really feel
Her: That’s so sweet, I-
Green Day is overrated
Her:
You Might Also Like
I barely flinch for gunshots or fireworks but I jump a foot in the air in frozen terror if your land-line phone goes off.
“Chicks dig a bad boy,” I say as I write ‘POOPIE’ in crayon all over her bedroom walls.
Wife: Hey *waking me up* you got really drunk last night
Me: You can’t prove that
Taco Bell employee: No we can
My 7 year old’s Christmas wish list includes:
– a typewriter
– a boom box for his cassettes
– a book to learn cursive handwriting
– fountain pensWhat year does he live in??
I show extra confidence at a job interview by giving a firm handshake before and after every question.
I don’t know if this would be classified as “unethical” but I have filled my neighbour’s eavestroughs with birdseed.
Dear People who like me,
I appreciate every single two of you.
It’s like these credit card companies don’t even care that I’m an electric accordionist for South Dakota’s finest heavy metal parody band.
Parenthood is basically just pretending to be angry when you aren’t and pretending not to be angry when you are.
Doc: So, where does it hurt?
Pirate: In me chest, I think its me hearty.
A good man is hard to find, but a babysitter for Friday night is harder.
Stand by me.
I need someone to blame for this air biscuit.
Mom, can I have another piece of pecan pie?
“You mean MAY, not CAN”
Ok, mom can I have another piece of pemay pie?
My bf just suggested we put canned peas in the egg salad and anyway, I’m single now.
Interviewer: Where do you see yourself in five years?
Me: I’d say listening is my biggest weakness.
[interviewing cave bat]
me: any disadvantages to hanging upside down?
Bat: [pee rolling down his face] Yes, one.
Put all your neighbors names on your Halloween tombstones in your front yard and wink when you’re outside and they walk by.
“For I am Christ the Redeemer, He Who Saves!”- Jesus, using his coupons.
shark tank judge: nobody is going to want to buy your ghost pants
me: just wait, this time next year, boo khakis are gonna be everywhere!
Did a Yoga for Beginners class this morning. What comes before the beginner class?
Waiter: how would you like your steak cooked
Me: preferably over some type of heat source
Babysitting is a way for teenagers to feel like adults while adults go out to feel like teenagers.
[Wedding meal]
*taps wine glass until everyone stops talking and I stand up to speak* I need more wine
i get all my pet peeves from a peeve rescue
I just saw a commercial that invited me to watch more of it on the internet! Bc That’s the problem w/commercials! They’re not long enough!
Your greatness is measured by the font-size of your obituary. #AlsoNotoriety
Once I tried to rescue this kitten stuck in a tree only it wasn’t a kitten it was an owl and he was, like…he was fine there.
I treat going to a therapist like going to a mechanic. “So, It’s been making some odd sounds and I’m sure it’s on the verge of a breakdown.”
Of course morning sex is better.
You haven’t spent the day annoying the crap out of each other yet.
When a conversation gets awkward, distract the person by casually kicking a rock. Unless that rock is a poop. And you wore stilettos. And the poop sticks to the end like a skewered turd. And you’ve made it awkward. Now you have something to talk about.