Life is what happens to you when your wifi stops.
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[sees shark fin swimming toward me]
Oh no
[its a boy wearing a shark fin hat]
Phew
[the boy is riding a shark]
Oh no
waffles are just pancakes that ran into the screen porch door at full speed.
Me: I’ve decided to be a mermaid so I can sing and swim all day and have a coconut phone
Him: But, you hate coconut?
Me. Why the hell would I eat my coconut phone? Ugh. It’s like you don’t even understand reality.
I am in the battle of my life with tangled macrame and I may not make it. If a spider finds me, I’m screwed.
I hear the Pink Panther song when I sneak down the hall for a midnight snack..
[wakes up to crying in the night]
Wife: can you go check the baby
Me, climbing back into bed 2 mins later: yeah that was the baby
One of these days I’m going to see a video on Tik Tok that tells me I have been breathing wrong my whole life and I’m just gonna stop.
You know how we used to be scared of monsters grabbing our legs from under the bed?
Meet my cat.
I had a scary nightmare where all the people I muted and blocked hid all my wife’s cosmetics to get me in trouble.
My daughter claimed that her knife skills are better than Chef Ramsay’s. So I tossed her a potato and asked her to peel it and she said, “With a knife?”
Don’t worry Chef Ramsay, your job is safe!
Would you get your phone if you dropped it in a toilet?
1996: eww that’s gross
2016: head first without thinking
Everyone gets ONE famous scientologist they’re allowed to pretend isn’t really a scientologist in order to fully and purely enjoy their work.
I am not on a plant based diet but my lungs are
[Calling the police]
“Help! Someone with a slice of beef strapped to his elbow is chasing me!”
“Stay calm.”
“Yes, that’s him!”
Romeo: *is added to DM room*
Juliet: *is taking a room break*
Romeo: *leaves room*
Juliet: *comes back from room break, sees Romeo isn’t there, leaves*
[First day as a hacker]
Boss: what’s taking so long?
Me: adobe needs updating
We were making out on the couch and She’s like “Let’s take this upstairs” I’m like “Ok you grab one side and I’ll grab the other!”
This is still funny.
I love when you look into someone’s eyes and you can just see their face light up because they are some sort of cyborg with face lighting.
Husband: *opens jar of salsa*
Me: That looks like my period
What’s something you had to put on “pause” for lockdown? I guess for me it’s picking up my kid from a birthday party.
ME: we can do this
GOOGLE SMART CAR: we can’t clear the bridge
ME: *mashes ‘im feeling lucky’ button*
When things are getting tough, I ask myself, “What would Jesus do?”, then I hide in a cave for three days
99 times out of ten, I’m making shit up.
People keep talking about the new Star Wars trailer. In my day, Star Wars had SPACESHIPS!
20: sometimes you see someone so basic you just know they listen to the Beatles
Me: hey!
20: oh it’s okay for you to listen to the Beatles. You’re old
[Cop flashes headlights behind me]
WIFE: I think he wants you to stop
ME: No I think he wants a street race
[A few minutes later]
ME: *taking a corner at 90mph* Guess I was right again, huh Linda
Remember before you give the finger from the safety of your car, not everyone has a schedule to keep
I bought 2 bird feeders and now my husband is actually frustrated there are “so many birds” in the backyard.
Who gets angry at birds eating free food from a wooden house? My delightful husband, that’s who.