Life isn’t about the moments that take our breath away. That’s asthma. You’re thinking of asthma.

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DAD: let’s roast this bird
ME: (to bird) the only time you ever got laid was the day you were born
DAD: haha nice


I’m not saying my doctor is young, but he just texted me “2mer is B-9, woot!”


The sun isn’t even up yet but this seems like a good time to start yelling at the top of my lungs trying to find a girlfriend.

– birds


Me (to friend): Oh my god, you have to meet him! He’s perfect!!

[8 years later]

Silently becomes enraged at the way he butters toast.


The cancelled marathon runners should seriously run through the boroughs with supplies. I said it earlier as a joke, now I say it for real.


[Arguing with a guy over who’s tougher]
*takes toothpick from mouth* “When I started chewing this it was a full grown spruce.”


Son: I want a quinceañera.

Me: You can’t have one

Son: Why not?

Me: Just asking this makes me realize why you failed spanish 1 last year

*ps: he is also 16*


If it walks like a duck and it looks like a duck, the chances are she’s practising for her next selfie