DAD: let’s roast this bird
ME: (to bird) the only time you ever got laid was the day you were born
DAD: haha nice
Life isn’t about the moments that take our breath away. That’s asthma. You’re thinking of asthma.
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I’m not saying my doctor is young, but he just texted me “2mer is B-9, woot!”
I’m so pro-life,
I believe life begins at erection.
The sun isn’t even up yet but this seems like a good time to start yelling at the top of my lungs trying to find a girlfriend.
Me (to friend): Oh my god, you have to meet him! He’s perfect!!
[8 years later]
Silently becomes enraged at the way he butters toast.
The cancelled marathon runners should seriously run through the boroughs with supplies. I said it earlier as a joke, now I say it for real.
me: no need to cut it, it’s just for me
pizza guy: u sure?
[Arguing with a guy over who’s tougher]
*takes toothpick from mouth* “When I started chewing this it was a full grown spruce.”
Son: I want a quinceañera.
Me: You can’t have one
Son: Why not?
Me: Just asking this makes me realize why you failed spanish 1 last year
*ps: he is also 16*
If it walks like a duck and it looks like a duck, the chances are she’s practising for her next selfie