LIFE LESSON: Never do anything which you don’t want to explain to the Paramedics.
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Son: Can we go to the beach?
Me: *dumps a bucket of sand down his shorts* There you go, bud.
Holy crap! This coin looks old as hell!
*checks the date*
It’s 15 years younger than me.
Life is as good or as bad as you make it. Take responsibility for your choices, including how you feel about a situation. And breathe.
[2.13am]
me: when cows die do they become cow ghosts? imagine being haunted by a cow ghost.
him: *deletes my number*
“It was M. Day Shyamalan all along!” – The ultimate twist
Movies, when someone gently places a blanket over a sleeping woman: she smiles in her sleep and snuggles in.
Me, when someone gets within 5 feet of me while I’m sleeping: starts boxing the air like Rocky on his second wind taking down Drago.
Someone once told me that I might have ADD, so I decided to look into it. After 5 minutes of research I found out that all the pandas in the world are on loan from China.
People act as though the concept of the thought police is a bad thing, but it would actually be really useful if there were an authority that could pull you over to ask “Do you know how stupid you were going just now?”
I propose we rename our seasons:
• Blizzard
• Flood
• Oven
• Kinda Nice For A Bit
me: there’s some loud construction work going on in my street, so guess you could say I’m getting hammered
everyone on this work call:
PHILOSOPHY MAJOR: humanity is at risk
STEM MAJOR: because global warming is affecting sea levels
ENGLISH MAJOR: is it affecting or effecting
a black mirror episode where u text someone and they screenshot it for 27.9m ppl
Own pets. That way no one will ever know who made that terrible smell
5 year old on the life cycle of humans:
“First you are a baby, then young, then a teenager, then an adult, then old…”Me: Sounds like you have a handle on it
5 yo: “…then caveman, and then rip.”
4: can I have two little muffins?
Me: how about I give you one and if you finish it, I’ll give you another one
4: no I want two NOWWWW
Me: let’s start with one
4: NOOOO TWOOOO
Me: just one
4: TWOOOO
Me:
4:
Me:
4:
Me: FINE *gives her two*
4: *eats only one*
[hospital]
Looks like ur Vine went viral.
“Yay!”
Sorry ur VEIN went viral…you have a fatal blood disease.
“So wait–my Vine didn’t go viral?”
[wonka factory in 2018]
Charlie: augustus is drowning
Oompa Loompa with a septum piercing: aren’t we all
accountant: do you have any dependents?
me: i’m illegally running several celebrity pet accounts on IG right now.
*buries Oreos throughout the house in preparation for the long, hard winter ahead.
did you ever just eat something because your mouth was closer than the garbage?
“A cantaloupe is an antelope that doesn’t.”
fat and greedy, my favorite type of animal
i don’t want to rock and roll all night. i want to sleep all night without having to get up and pee 39 times
“You gotta get me out of here, man.”
“Relax, Monty, I’m working on it.”
“You talk to my lawyer?”
“Yeah, the cops don’t have shit.”
“Okay, good. How’s Theresa?”
“Fine, her mom’s staying with her.”
“Thanks for all this, Frankie.”
“Hey, that’s what cousins are for.”
[interviewing Matt Damon]
Matt: Well, in this movie I play-
Me: (cuts him off) I’m more interested in talking about the roles you AREN’T playing.
Almost forgot…😂😂😂😂😂
Whether it’s aliens or zombies, the importance of a head start cannot be overstated.
Accidentally got in the 10 items or less line with 11 items again, so I made two separate transactions so I wouldn’t piss anyone off.
Sailors who are unable to stop a ship properly are sent to 2 weeks of court-ordered anchor management.