‘A 12 year old invented an app….No pressure though.’
(Me to my kids)
LIFE LESSON: Never do anything which you don’t want to explain to the Paramedics.
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My daughters weren’t paying attention to me, so I told them Taylor Swift died.
Sucks how parents can’t name their son The Green River Killer since The Green River Killer went & ruined it for everyone.
POLICE OFFICER: Your name?
MAN: The Rock.
POLICE OFFICER: Your FULL name?
MAN: [quietly] Theodore Rockinghorse.
*watches you carefully arrange the piles of paperwork on your desk
*waits for you to finish
*sets fan to “oscillate”
Here’s a sentence that has stuck with me for 22 years, from a doofy classmate’s story in 8th-grade English: “The werewolf puked and died.”
Construction sites are dangerous places. I nearly blacked out holding in my stomach as I walked past one.
[ creating bats ]
god: well we already made birds
angel: what if they were goth
god: omg what IF they were goth tho
My mom would probably complain in my funeral about how somebody’s son died better
gryffindor: i only want the bravest
slytherin: i only want the most cunning
ravenclaw: i only want the smartest
hufflepuff: WOW you guys are pretentious