@Vice_Queen

LIFE LESSON: Never do anything which you don’t want to explain to the Paramedics.

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@LorieGZ

‘A 12 year old invented an app….No pressure though.’

(Me to my kids)

@Vodkantots

My daughters weren’t paying attention to me, so I told them Taylor Swift died.

@TheRobCee

Sucks how parents can’t name their son The Green River Killer since The Green River Killer went & ruined it for everyone.

@Diversion50

POLICE OFFICER: Your name?

MAN: The Rock.

POLICE OFFICER: Your FULL name?

MAN: [quietly] Theodore Rockinghorse.

@Poutymcgee

*watches you carefully arrange the piles of paperwork on your desk

*waits for you to finish

*sets fan to “oscillate”

@david_j_roth

Here’s a sentence that has stuck with me for 22 years, from a doofy classmate’s story in 8th-grade English: “The werewolf puked and died.”

@Izianikapani

Construction sites are dangerous places. I nearly blacked out holding in my stomach as I walked past one.

@MNateShyamalan

[ creating bats ]

god: well we already made birds

angel:

god:

angel: what if they were goth

god: omg what IF they were goth tho

@KDsMorning

My mom would probably complain in my funeral about how somebody’s son died better

@IndecisiveJones

gryffindor: i only want the bravest

slytherin: i only want the most cunning

ravenclaw: i only want the smartest

hufflepuff: WOW you guys are pretentious