Life Lessons From Cats:
• take more naps
• rules were meant to be broken
• it’s okay to hide when you’re scared
• always demand respect
• if you have an itch, scratch it
• find joy in the simple things
• you can bury your shit but eventually someone’s gonna find it
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Somewhere in a parallel universe, I hope there’s a giant dog with a tiny woman in her purse.
Don’t act like you miss sex now, you weren’t getting laid before either.
Mom: “Why are you always on your phone? What’s so great about the internet?”
Me: It doesn’t constantly ask me questions
sirius black: im innocent
judge: i don’t believe you
sirius: give me truth serum
judge: for some reason no
Kids are eating leftover cotton candy for breakfast, day 4 of summer break.
Let’s see what next week brings, other than Child Services.
Biden: I wanna join the protest.
Obama: Joe, we’ve been over this.
Biden: But they’re–
Obama: How about some ice cream?
wife: our house is on fire! who you gonna call?!
ghostbusters (standing in ashes): u really should’ve called the fire department
Drugs are great until they fall into the wrong hands. I am referring, of course, to the cops or people who don’t enjoy life.
You know that you’re officially lost when you turn down the car radio and take off your sunglasses.