It may look like I’m eating an entire jumbo bag of M&Ms all by myself but, if you look closely, I’m really in training to be a piñata.
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If couples who are in love are called love birds, then really, couples who always fight should be called angry birds!
House arrest? Your Honor, if anyone is going to be punished here it should be me. My house has done nothing wrong.
My kids wanted to bake something and now we have to move
– a parenting memoir
If you go to an animal shelter and ask for a cat, they get really upset if you play them like a guitar and scream ROCK YOU LIKE A FURRICANE.
Me: I need to go to the doctor but my car won’t start.
Mechanic: Did you try jumping it?
Me: Of course, how did you think I broke my legs?
Me: Wow, I love your new yoga pants!
Wife: Thanks. Can I have them back?
The fact that Mitt Romney opted to see Twilight instead of Lincoln this weekend probably sums up what his presidency would’ve been like.
the most semi-awesome vegetable is the rad-ish
“Insomnia sure is frustrating” he said wide-awakely.
“I set all the cattle free.”
– Reverse Cowgirl
My 4yo just asked me if I was there when we went to Disney 6 weeks ago for 5 days, so I’m obviously making a huge impact in her life.
I’m not like other girls. I have 1L of butter chicken sauce in my purse
The Wizard of Oz: A teenage runaway gets caught in a storm, commits manslaughter, & crosses state lines to see a man more than 3x her age.
My neighbour’s wife left him last week.
She said she was going out for milk and never came back.I asked him how he was coping.
He said, “Not bad. I’ve been using some of that powdered stuff”.
Told my kid in my day, if I missed an episode of a show, might have wait years to see it again
He looked at me like I’d just showed him prison tattoos
I need you to fill my water bowl but I’m also going to stand directly in your path and trip you 7 times before you can get to the sink.
– Dogs
Who called it “asking for sex” and not “pitchfork”
I don’t know why people say Twitter isn’t a dating app. I’ve encountered plenty of available married men here.
Bruce Banner with his hand stuck in a Pringles can, getting more and more frustrated
“But I can’t conquer China, it’s way too big…”
Now Genghis, what do I always say?
*Sighs*
“I’m Genghis Khan, not Genghis Khan’t”
Sorry I mostly speculated about my missing stapler in your leaving card.
It’s adorable how breakfast assumes we’re all able to fast.
If your 8 year old steps on the back of my shoe one more time, I’m going to tell him that Santa isn’t real.
you knew the backstreet boys were actually friends because when the one boy asks if hes “sexual” the rest of the boys all agree that he is
It absolutely scares me to death that I’M the voice of reason in this house.
If a bear attacks you, the best thing to do is play dead. Unless it’s Dave, the Necrophiliac Bear
[twirls in a dress made of knives]
Oh, this old thing? Just something I put on and wield against innocent bystanders every 28 to 31 days.
nurse: height
me: 6’4″
nurse: weight
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me: wait for what
Welcome to your 50s where the weekend means it’s time to try a new vodka and a new chainsaw at the same time.
Ignoring your kids has become so easy thanks to smart phones. My poor dad spent 18 years staring blankly into space pretending not to hear any question I ever asked, and I don’t know if I’d have that same level of commitment.