@HatfieldAnne

Life Lessons from the Petting Zoo:
-Everything bites
-So much pushing
-Did you bring quarters?
-OMG, goats have the weirdest pupils

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@CornOnTheGoblin

[my boss sees me get hit by a car in the parking lot] make sure you bring a doctor’s note if you’re gonna be late

@Aikiwomannc

Even though Janice had always wanted an extravagant wedding, she couldn’t help but feel putting toilet paper on the bridal registry was a bit over the top.

@simoncholland

Why would I pay for a haunted house when I can wake up to my kid silently standing by my bed at 5 AM.

@GrantTanaka

A good way to break up with a girl is to leave her a trail of rose petals starting from her front door to North Korea.

@d_duhwit

Neighbor: Hey I’m sick of your dog doing his business on my lawn.
Me: Ok, sorry. *Walks over to my dog’s lawn lemonade stand* Hey, I told you it has to be on our lawn.

@danimgrace

Take your husband’s last name. Take his first name. Take his social. Assume his identity. Hide the body in a closet. You’re the husband now.

@Eightinchgoat

You’re right, strange woman giving me your opinion on having tattoos. I regret them right now because they caused you to talk to me.

@Home_Halfway

Save a horse. Ride a cowboy. Use your best judgment with a centaur.