@HatfieldAnne

Life Lessons from the Petting Zoo:
-Everything bites
-So much pushing
-Did you bring quarters?
-OMG, goats have the weirdest pupils

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@_RobertSchultz

me: a beloved member of my family died

college professor: show me the body or take the quiz

@Matt_The_1st

Well your honor, I thought handing her the curling iron while she was showering would get her ready faster.

@laurrlor

I can’t believe I’m in class on Presidents’ Day. This is an obamanation.

@MNateShyamalan

my father: enjoying the marching band?

me: yes 🙂

my father: when you grow up will you be the savior of the broken, beaten, and damned and defeat your demons & nonbelievers? cuz one day i’ll leave you, a phantom to-

me: feels like youve got some of your own stuff going on here

@cray_at_home_ma

Sorry I told you we should definitely hang out sometime and then didn’t answer my phone for 5 years

@KimmyMonte

you should always wash your sheets once a week in case they are really ghosts and need a shower

@WilliamRodgers

“I don’t get why our troops need to wear camouflage, when they could just wear glasses…”

-Superman

@AndrewNadeau0

MY WIFE:We named you after our favorite songs. You were mine
LAYLA: I love that
ME: And you mine
THEME FROM DUCKTALES: No, yeah, I figured