Life Lessons from the Petting Zoo:
-Everything bites
-So much pushing
-Did you bring quarters?
-OMG, goats have the weirdest pupils
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Do citrus fruits grow better in the limelight?
“I’ll have a rum and coke”
Is pepsi ok?
“Sure whatever”
*hands you a pepsi and coke*
If you drink straight from the pitcher, it’s technically only one margarita.
GUY: are u in the 1%
ME: more like the 2%
GUY: well that’s still great
ME: [wondering why this guy’s so in to milk] it’s pretty cool I guess
“Up for anything unless my gout flares up.”
– from my dating profile
Me: Have a good day at school.
Child: Impossible.
Me: What? Why?
Child: Hey dad, have a good day at work.
Me: Oh ok I see what you’re saying.
Can’t party the way I used to. Two rounds of Pin the Tail on the Donkey and I’m spent.
[18 years after texting a guy “I’m pregnant”]
Him: hey I just saw your text
I don’t just have a chip on my shoulder— I’ve got the whole potato
I really hope my house is haunted because I don’t want to pay to fix those noises.
A cup of water A cup of water
when it’s in when it spills
a cup on the table
What’s the worst that could happen? Tried my lady’s body lotion on my face and my face turned into a body, kept doing that hoping to bring back my face and that’s how I ended up 37 feet tall
DOMINOS PIZZA TRACKER: Your pizza was just flushed down the toilet!
MICHELANGELO: oh hell yeah
Other Mom: We just got back from a trip to the Caribbean, so we are trying to get our life back to normal. You know how it is.
Me: Totally. We just got back from a trip to the grocery store.
[animal noises] it’s only those with a destination who can be lost
fish: Clive, yes, I’m breaking up with you. But, you’ll be ok. There’s plenty of, you know, fish in the sea
friend: you have to stop envying every single person you know when they find success in something you haven’t. it’s destroying your mental health and poisoning your relationships with your friends.
me: (immediately envious of their maturity and clarity of thought) right. totally
welcome to your forties now your eyebrows grow from your left shoulder
of course you were in it i told you it was a nightmare
My house could be 99% tile and my kid would still barf directly onto the rug.
take me to the middle of the desert and just leave me there
[crumpled up paper on floor]
*tries to flip it up like hacky sack*
*tries to flip it up…*
*tries to flip…*
*tries…**leaves it*
I can relate to Alice in Wonderland. She just keeps randomly eating and drinking with the hope that it might magically solve her problems.
Brain: he must study-how?
*Hormones raise hand*
H: we could hit him with pimples, kill the social life?
B: *whispers*
It’s for his own good.
“I was so high that I cried because I realized that snakes are just tails with faces”
Whenever there’s an immortal in any story they always know a dozen languages and have a ton of varied skills. Just once I want to see a character just squander it the way I would. 900 years old, barely speaks 1 language, binge watching The Office for the 7000th time
Things could be worse. You could have to fight a chicken to get to the recipe.
My fiancée loves to say she’s color blind, yet anytime starbursts are being eaten in the car I get passed the orange and yellow
my kid thought that we eat kidneys and liver from humans
what scares me is that she didn’t care