Life Lessons from the Petting Zoo:
-Everything bites
-So much pushing
-Did you bring quarters?
-OMG, goats have the weirdest pupils

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me: a beloved member of my family died

college professor: show me the body or take the quiz


Well your honor, I thought handing her the curling iron while she was showering would get her ready faster.


I can’t believe I’m in class on Presidents’ Day. This is an obamanation.


my father: enjoying the marching band?

me: yes 🙂

my father: when you grow up will you be the savior of the broken, beaten, and damned and defeat your demons & nonbelievers? cuz one day i’ll leave you, a phantom to-

me: feels like youve got some of your own stuff going on here


Sorry I told you we should definitely hang out sometime and then didn’t answer my phone for 5 years


you should always wash your sheets once a week in case they are really ghosts and need a shower


“I don’t get why our troops need to wear camouflage, when they could just wear glasses…”



MY WIFE:We named you after our favorite songs. You were mine
LAYLA: I love that
ME: And you mine
THEME FROM DUCKTALES: No, yeah, I figured