To my writer friends. Just keep going. I was rejected over 48 times before I got my 49th rejection.
You Might Also Like
[emergency]
[super hero appears]
GUY: It’s Doesn’t-Understand-Rhetorical-Questions Man. Boy, am I glad to see you!
HERO: I…I don’t know
The reviews for Cats are in (17% on rotten tomatoes), and they are spectacular.
When someone invites me to their home, and I see more than 3 cars outside, I just keep on driving. Just in case it’s an intervention!🤣🤣🤣
WIFE: [holding newborn baby] Ive never been so proud of anything in my life
ME:[thinking about that one time I drew a perfect giraffe] same
My kids got like 20 pounds of candy and that is so unhealthy so obviously I have to eat it all for their own good
[Family Dinner]
Me: Grandma, please pass the updog.
Sister: *Pinches bridge of her nose*
Grandma: What’s updog?
Me: Not much, how about you?
Admit it, no one really knows how to use the memory function on a calculator. We’re all just too embarrassed to ask now.
I want a polka band at my funeral. I’m the one who’s dead, let ’em suffer.
Homeschooling update day 3:
Me: *Googles mortality rates for homeschooling parents*
Judge: Your charge is burning down your neighbors house
Me: Your Honor they hung baskets of plastic flowers on their porch!
J: Not Guilty!
It was to keep our furry overlords content😉
If I am ever killed by a koala bear, I hope whoever finds me just tells people I was killed by a bear
Chipotle Employee Just Gave Guy In Front Of You More Rice
I print everything at work because I’m not a multimillionaire who has a printer with ink at home
I only eat chips because I feel that people would judge me if I ate the dip with a spoon
im awake if anyone wants to go on a cute forest hike and feed me to a bear
First date:
*don’t let her know you’re a tyranosaurus, don’t let her know yo..*
Her: So, what do you do for a liv-
*bites her in half*
[ first date ]
her: i like a man who plans financially for the future
me: i swallowed $9.13 this morning that i won’t be able to spend until later
[lights 2019 calendar on fire]
Now you can’t hurt anyone any more.
[wind blows calendar onto my coat; I’m engulfed in flames]
*releases frozen turkey back into the ocean
*combines 2% and 1% to create 3% milk*
i bet the first guy to say “smooth as a babies bottom” wasnt the most respected man in the community
(Hugging)
Me: you smell good. Is that a new cologne?
Him: No, I dropped turkey gravy on my shirt earlier.
Me: That’s a good smell for you. Maybe try a white peppercorn version next time.
Him:
Cake is healthy because it’s baked and not fried
[hospital]
“Will dad ever wake from his coma?”
WIFE: Of course dear [loudly] LET’S GO HOME TO ORGANIZE & RE-ARRANGE HIS TOOLS
DAD: I’M UP
doctor: “is there anything that runs in the family?”
wife: “hm not really”
me: “the dog jogs a lot”
My husband just informed me that he’s been driving around for the past two years with a katana and a couple of sai in his trunk. He was like “I’m sure I told you about them” and I was like you absolutely did not tell me about the mortal kombat weapons in your car
I want to live in a world where the plural of moose is mooses.
Before I had kids, I thought I had a great immune system, but it turns out I was just really good at staying away from the type of people who sneeze directly into your eyeballs while telling you a story.
As a kid I was forced to deal with the feelings when my dad went to the store for cigarettes and came back every time.